ALICE COOPER’S TRANSITION INTO A POST-MENOPAUSAL DRAG QUEEN IS COMPLETE!

I know what you’re asking: “What the fuck is a ‘post-menopausal drag queen?’” I understand that drag queens are not really women, and therefore do not suffer through menopause. But I don’t know how else to describe Cooper.

I mean, let’s talk about what has happened to this guy. He’s sixty-four, but man, he looks like he’s old enough to have been one of the first beings to sprout legs and crawl up on land. His most recent album is called Welcome 2 My Nightmare, which is desperate enough, but also the album art looks something I would have made on Photoshop for a joke column on MetalSucks, and the opening track is a ballad on which El Coop utilizes a vocoder. Then my mom saw him in the movie Dark Shadows and actually did think he was a woman, which, I think, says more about Cooper than it does my mom (she’s actually pretty sharp for an old lady). And now he’s pandered to the Bonaroo crowd over the weekend by covering Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” I don’t even know why that offends me so much, other than this: Would anyone have been cool with Alice Cooper covering, say, Roberta Flack in 1972? What about Paula Abdul in 1989? Anyone wish that that had happened? Anyone? Anyone?

-AR