GAME OF THRONES, SEASON 2: THE HEAVY METAL REVIEW — EPISODE 2.10, “VALAR MORGHULIS”
Theon Greyjoy says, “Season finale! Time for some shit to finally go down!” But his friends and writers have other plans.
Game of Thrones Season 2 is over. The vault is open, the monsters are marching, the pieces are in place. So is an army of the undead, a spooky-assed magic castle, and a little dragonfire enough to save a season that distilled a thousand-page book into ten hours, yet still managed to settle into doldrums?
You know what happened in “Valar Morghulis”* the final episode of Season 2. So rather than rehash that in depth and risk spoiling or boring you, let’s have a quick rundown of the week’s stats, then take a look back at the storylines that comprised this uneven season in the abyss.
* “Valar Morghulis” is a High Valyrian phrase that means “All men must die.” It’s commonly used in Braavos, home of Jaqen H’ghar and Arya’s other mentor, her sword teacher, Syrio Forel.
STATS, WEEK OF JUNE 3:
BODY COUNT: 8 (two quick, one not-so-quick, two agonizingly slow)
HANGING BODIES: 3
BOOBS: 2
Season Two In Summary, by Plot:
JON SNOW:
A band of black-clothed dudes march beyond the Wall, into the great white North, on a search-and-destroy mission. They meet some dick and trudge around in the snow. Then Jon Snow connects with a hot redhead lass who busts his balls, and he reluctantly decides to go deep cover, not that he has much choice.
METAL POTENTIAL: Slayer.
METAL EXECUTION: Poison. It shoulda been a bloodbath — it was in the book, and maybe they’re saving it for later — but it turned into a sad, sad song.
TYRION:
A cunning dwarf assumes a seat of power in the kingdom’s capitol and works to save the royal city from itself. During an explosive battle, he saves the day — yet winds up powerless, friendless, beaten, scarred, but not broken. You can’t be nice to some people.
METAL POTENTIAL: Gojira, From Mars to Sirius.
METAL EXECUTION: Gojira, The Way of All Flesh. Pretty awesome, but not exactly game-changing. Once again, the storyline suffered from compression for the TV adaptation. We saw, what, one axe-wielding Hill Person this season? Tyrion’s mercenary bro Bronn is badass, but to quote Gob Bluth: “COME ON!”
JOFFREY/CERSEI:
Cersei drinks a buncha wine and says mean shit. And the boy king everyone loves to hate steers his kingdom to the brink of oblivion, bosses around his betrothed, has one whore brutalize another, and when the kingdom most needs his leadership, he hides behind his mother’s skirts, only to be rescued by his battle-hardened grandfather.
METAL POTENTIAL: Old-school Death Angel.
METAL EXECUTION: Black Tide, because… fuck Joffrey, that’s why.
CATELYN-BRIENNE-JAIME:
The mother of a king sets out to broker an alliance. She witnesses a demon assassination, then winds up nearly sparking a schism in the Northern troops when she sets loose the army’s most valuable prisoner, Jaime Lannister. Jaime is a seasoned master killer, but spends the season in chains, though he still has a sharp tongue and lethal imagination. Lady Stark sends the Kingslayer home in the company of a lady knight who may well be his equal. It’s a great yoking, but we’ve barely begun to see it play out. At least they didn’t rush the storyline in the final episode.
METAL POTENTIAL: Doro Pesch & Lemmy.
METAL EXECUTION: Melissa Auf der Maur & Glenn Danzig.
ARYA:
The youngest Stark daughter is arguably the star of the show now. This storyline actually improved on the book. In the book, she spent endless time cowering around the decrepit castle avoiding asshole soldiers. The TV show placed her in the service of Tywin Lannister, and the prepubescent lass spent the season trading verbal jabs with the most powerful mind in the kingdom. Forget the Lannister wealth; actor Maisie Williams is pure gold. She also escapes doom through the help of Jaqen H’ghar, a mysterious fighter-assassin who turns out to be even more than meets the eye. And by season’s end, she’s where she was at the end of last season: On the road with her buddy, the dead king’s bastard, Young Bruce Dickinson.
METAL POTENTIAL: Kittie.
METAL EXECUTION: Pantera.
STANNIS:
Stannis Baratheon, the younger brother and rightful successor of deceased King Robert Baratheon, wants what’s coming to him: the Iron Throne, the crown, and the kingdom itself. Like Jon Snow, he gets some bump-and-grind with a hot redhead. Stannis actually gets laid, but his forces have their collective ass handed to them in the Battle of Blackwater. Stannis is more of a human figure than he is in the books, but he’s still a tightass.
METAL POTENTIAL: Megadeth, Peace Sells.
METAL EXECUTION: Megadeth, Countdown to Extinction.
THEON:
Theon Greyjoy, long a ward — read: hostage — of Winterfell, returns home with an offer from Robb Stark, his bro and king. But once he’s home, his sister pwns him, his dad yells at him, and his head gets all twisted. Theon returns home, betrays the castle community that raised him, and scores an unsustainable victory. Since his favorite whore relocated to the South last season, everybody hates Theon. As they should. At this storyline’s end, Theon’s own men drag him off. And at that point, Winterfell is intact.
METAL POTENTIAL: Yngwie Malmsteen.
METAL EXECUTION: Yngwie Malmsteen: some Viking content, and some points for style. But when push comes to shove, he’s a tankard of misdirected, petulant rage.
BRAN AND THE TIM BURTON-LOOKING GIRL WHO PLAYED TONKS IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES:
Bran and Rickard Stark around this season. Their main contribution was not being killed by Theon, in a plot twist that surprised nobody, and was executed far better in the book. Now Bran, little Rickie, Tonks, and Andre the Giant are headed toward the Wall. And in case you’d forgotten about it, rest assured: Bran will continue prying open his third eye. And when they leave Winterfell, it’s smoking rubble, set ablaze by… well, somebody.
METAL POTENTIAL: Tool.
METAL EXECUTION: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What happened? We’re not sleeping.
ROBB:
This storyline isn’t exactly in the book, but the TV show fleshes out events we hear about secondhand in the book, which are quite influential. Robb Stark is why teenagers do not run the world. Like all your favorite seminal metal bands, though, teenage Robb is tearing it up on the road, routinely pulling off feats that he will probably never match again.
Robb’s undefeated army are kicking ass and taking names. But he spends the season falling for a hot chick who’s wiser than he is, if not also smarter. This indulgence will create more problems than it solves, but now that his dad is gone and his mom has pissed him off, the only voice Robb is hearing in his head is from his little head. Don’t get us wrong, though: She seems totally worth it.
Anyhow, King Stark wins a battle this season, but does not sack King’s Landing, does not put subordinates in their place, and does not make any strategic masterstrokes onscreen. It’s good to see him riding a wave of victories, but — and maybe this is by design, since ambiguity is a key theme in the books — it’s unclear whether he’s lucky or good. You’d like to see him win, but you’re not sure that he will.
METAL POTENTIAL: Heavy Metal Kings.
METAL EXECUTION: Lordz of Brooklyn.
SANSA:
17-year-old Sophie Turner is so convincing in her portrayal, it’s easy to forget that Sansa is just old enough that she got her first period this season. And if she’s that effective, then Williams can continue playing Arya until she’s 25. Anyhow, Sansa is a good character, but she caused her father’s death, and she didn’t flee the city when she could have, even after having to put up with Joffrey’s shit all the time. So fuck ’er.
METAL POTENTIAL: Julie Christmas.
METAL EXECUTION: Julie Christmas: not exactly metal, but she’s in a bad spot, and every fiber of her being radiates it.
DANY:
In the finale, Khal Drogo, the supersized warrior who looks like Dave Navarro’s big brother, returns for a cameo in a sequence that may be visions or prophecies or portents. This sequence is substantially different than in the book, for good reasons. Anyway…
Technically, Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen Khaleesi Drogo Mother of Dragons was present in this season. She led her Mongol-esque horde through desert wasteland, into a walled city that was as merciless as it was elegant. Then some politically ambitious rich dude hit on her for, like, eight episodes. She goes to a couple parties, and somebody kidnaps her dragons. She finally got something to do in the finale.
After a fiery trial, Dany emerges with her dragons safe and sound, though she’s only one step closer to her goal of crossing the sea, fucking shit up in Westeros, and taking her birthright, the Iron Throne. Once again, she has three dragons at her breast, she’s surrounded by Dothraki… and though she has learned a valuable lesson, isn’t she more or less where she was when Season One ended? This climactic sequence happened way earlier in the book, and if the writers could cook up the Arya-Tywin scenes, surely they could have found a way for Dany to show her considerable inner strength during the previous episodes.
METAL POTENTIAL: Halestorm.
METAL EXECUTION: Lady Gaga.
SAM:
Right when it looks like shit North of the Wall is never going to get rolling, cut to Samwell Tarly, the big burly guy who girls like to cuddle with, but almost never actually fall for. Sam and friends are digging around in the snow when, oh yeah, there’s a zombie horde, headed straight for the Night’s Watch. Then, biggity-bam, cut to black, season’s over. Shit North of the Wall never does get rolling.
Where do these undead men and beasts come from, and what do they mean? I’ve read all five currently available books, and I’m not sure, so I can’t tell you. But I’ll tell you this, and I’m not kidding: In order, the Hound, Bronn, Jon Snow, and Arya might be the most Metal characters on this very metal show. But by the end of Season 3, Sam could round out the top five. Stay tuned.
METAL POTENTIAL: Testament, The Legacy.
METAL EXECUTION: Testament, The Ritual.
SEASON 2, FINAL METAL RATING: Unlike Season One, Season Two did not have a single episode that was Totally Metal. But it was still Metal Enough. See you next year.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION:
After two seasons, who is the most Metal character on the show? If you’ve read the books, what plot line was most improved for TV? Which suffered most? Did it work as ten individual episodes of TV, or was it a ten-hour movie? Did you give a shit about the Night’s Watch story? Tell us in the comments section. (There will be a quiz.)
BONUS:
Play Fuck-Marry-Kill with any three characters of your choice. Go.
SPOILER POLICY: Game of Thrones – the show and the books – is a helluva tale with some mindfuck twists that will rock your world, so please don’t ruin them for any new fans or casual readers. If you really need to reference one of the major developments that lurk later on in the books, please try be as vague as possible, and clearly label them SPOILERS. And if you’re new to the epic, be warned: If you read about the books or show long enough, you will learn something you wish you hadn’t, so just buy the ticket and take the ride. Yes, if you’ve only seen the show, it’s worth going back and reading the books.
-Ferris
D.X. Ferris wrote the 33 1/3 series book about Slayer’s Reign in Blood, writes & draws the webcomic Suburban Metal Dad, and runs Pentagrammarian, the world’s only heavy metal grammar & usage website (that we’re aware of). You can follow his bullshit on Twitter here, here, and here.
