RIGHT NOW! METALSUCKS LIVEBLOGS THE REVOLVER GOLDEN GODS AWARDS

The Revolver Golden Gods Awards event is totally fun, so it’s a bummer that every metalhead — from the most cynical tr00ist to the cheeriest rock animal — can’t attend to party among our heavy metal heavyweights. But hurrah! this year’s celebration and performances are beaming to your home via livecast (here)! Fuck yeah, dude!

On the slate are live jamz from Trivium, Sixx: A.M., Slash, Marilyn Manson, Korn, and Yngwie Malmsteen, as well as appearances by Alice Cooper, Tenacious D, Lemmy, Anthrax, and motherfucking RUSH. Oh yeah, and the Best Vocalist, Guitarist, Drummer, Bassist, Live Band, Comeback, and International Band awards presentations! It’s hours of heavy metal fun, back-patting, fun-patting, backs, buns, and fatties! Believe it!

So link up with the simulcast and join me, Anso DF, after the jump as I live-blog from the comfort of my totally not court-ordered drug counseling retreat just minutes from the Golden Gods blast. Click the shit out of your refresh button to follow along!

6:06 PM The livecast is underway! Find it here.

6:07 PM Pre-show hosts Dee Snider and Lizzie Hale are on the Black Carpet with Quiet Riot’s Frankie Banali; up on the concourse, Jose Mangin of Sirius XM and MTV’s Headbangers Ball is flanked by ticketholders and totally pumped!

6:11 PM NEW ARRIVAL Black Veil Brides tell Lizzie that rock music is coming back, Chris Brown is on the way out. I imagine they mean on the way out to get a Hefty bag of weed.

6:13 PM NEW ARRIVAL Dee is joined by Asking Alexandria, whose singer Dee describes as a narcissist. One of those got me busted for ludes once.

6:17 PM Jose interviews this hot chick fan (right) who’s toting a sign expressing a disregard for haters. Nothing says “You don’t bother me” like a sign made to read “You don’t bother me.”

6:20 PM NEW ARRIVAL After co-host Lizzie Hale and Amy Lee share a hug, co-host Dee Snider commiserates with the non-Lee part of Evanescence about backing a female singer. “It sucks!” To Lee and Lizzie: “No offense.”

6:25 PM VIDEO Halestorm’s “Love Bites (And So Do I)” I’ve seen this video already today. I’m qualified to totally agree that she bites.

6:29 PM NEW ARRIVAL Vinnie Paul and Hellyeah! join Lizzie and Dee to talk Band Of Brothers, two years of touring, and Twisted Sisiter. Blowin’ minds with that Skinny Puppy tee brah.

6:34 PM It’s clear to me that energetic co-host Jose Mangin has defied my wishes to lay off my fucking cocaine.

6:37 PM Lizzie Hale is informed by a member of Marilyn Manson’s band — Paley McHatGuy — that years ago as a Little Caesers staffer he prepared a pizza for the just-out-of-earshot Dee Snider. Dude hastens to point out that he didn’t jack off onto it.

6:40 PM NEW ARRIVAL Brendon Small tells Dee that episode six of Dethklok‘s upcoming season features a guest appearance by Mad Men‘s Jon Hamm. I hope animators accurately render his majestic butt-chin.

6:43 PM Jose Mangin speaks to a third fan who’s attending mostly to see Marilyn Manson. Jose: “Would you do cut off a finger for him?” Fan: “I’d cut off my whole hand.” And we’d use that hand to beat you to death.

6:45 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK “Die By The Sword” by Slash from a previous Golden Gods night. Andrew Stockdale of Wolfmother is singing. Sorry, that should read “singing.”

6:48 PM NEW ARRIVAL Lacuna Coil is shuffled along to make room for Lemmy, who is trampled by Dee’s first plug of the night for his forthcoming memoirs. Yngwie strolls by; each comments on Malmsteen’s um physique? Girth? Gourmandism?

6:55 PM NEW ARRIVAL Trivium and Megadeth’s David Ellefson and Chris Broderick take a moment to lament to Dee and Lizzie the lack of a “scene” on the Sunset Strip. Dude on Sunset and Doheny two nights ago I barfed into a convertible filled with midgets. It was a fucking scene, trust me.

7:03 PM NEW ARRIVAL Zakk Wylde plans to launch a line of Black Label men’s lingerie this summer. Chris Jerico takes credit for the idea. Who’s taking credit for that jacket (right)?

7:28 PM NEW ARRIVAL Shawn Crahan of Slipknot (right, with Corey Taylor and um um that dude) just solemnly vowed to investigate allegations that Dave Matthews wore one of their masks.

7:37 PM NEW ARRIVAL Like Taylor Momsen, Slash (right) hints at a “real surprise” in his set. Then Dee says Alice Cooper is the surprise. Sarcastic slow clap :)

8:12 PM ON STAGE Sixx: A.M. performs “Are You With Me.” No I sure the fuck am not! This Creed Rock, man. It’s gotta die.

8:28 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Hellyeah! gives the Best Drummer Award to a video clip of Jeremy Spencer from Five Finger Death Punch. Losers: Mark Adler (Lamb Of God), Taylor Hawkins (Foo Fighters), Brann Dailor (Mastodon), Charlie Benante (Anthrax), Tomas Haake (Meshuggah).

9:24 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Duff McKagan presents the Riff Lord Award to Slash. McKagan (right) is really starting to resemble my Aunt Mary, execpt one of them has stopped Hoovering blow and filching money from my grandma. Try and guess which one — I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Losers: Scott Ian (Anthrax), Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society), Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Munky (Korn), Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen).

9:44 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Hey speaking of Japanese guys you can’t trust near your shitter, the men of Anthrax present the Best International Band Award to X-Japan, whose drummer/pianist Yoshiki gives the night’s most gracious acceptance speech. Cool guy. Losers: Behemoth, Rammstein, Lacuna Coil, Sepultura, Meshuggah.

9:49 PM PERFORMANCE Lemmy and Lita Ford bring Slash and band to the stage. The curfew at this 100%-not-imposed-on-me-by-state-officials addiction treatment facility approaches. But I have time to wonder if Slash, the winner of the Riff Lord Award (see above), ever wrote a decent riff? “Sweet Child O’ Mine” worked out, but the others were Izzy’s and I’ll be darned if I can think of anything tasty post-Guns. Anybody help? P.S. His tone is wack now.

 10:06 PM PERFORMANCE It’s past lights-out here but shhh I’m still on top of this very fun Golden Gods jam. Headphones aren’t allowed so my volume is low on Alice Cooper and Slash’s jam of “School’s Out.” But they look super hot (right)!

10:12 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Dude I’m so pumped that we’re all watching this together — we have a chance to team-gawk at Steve Vai’s super-long alien fingers! FREAKY! Anyway, Vai and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons present the Best Live Band Award to Avenged Sevenfold. Somebody in the band tells the crowd that the AX7 doesn’t deserve the honors. Ahem, hey fella, do I come to your job and start singing like a douche? Well okay then let me do my fucking thing here and point out that you bumchums don’t deserve the shit. Thank youuu. Losers: Foo Fighters, Guns ‘N Roses, Judas Priest, Seether, Tool.

10:15 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Dee Snider takes the stage a second time to join Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta in giving out the Best Singer Award to Amy Lee of Evanescence. I love Dee Snider. Losers: Sebastian Bach, Andy Biersack (Black Veil Brides), James Durbin, Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch), Jonathan Davis (Korn).

10:18 PM Chris Jericho and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry do comedy! CUTENESS x1000!

10:20 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Buckcherry guys present the Most Metal Athlete to C.M. Punk. Moar liek See ‘Im Spunk, amirite?

10:22 PM AWARD PRESENTATION James Durbin and a homeless/hipster give the Most Dedicated Fans Award to Avenged Sevenfold. Their lefty guitarist, Wykked Bonerz or whatever, promptly embarrasses me and all lefty guitarists by taking the award super seriously. Perspective alert, brah.

10:25 PM AWARD PRESENTATION The Avenged Sevenfold guys stick around to present Korn with the Best Album Award for The Path Of Totality. Their awesome drummer Ray Luzier accepts. Did you ever hear that Army Of Anyone album he played on? Fuck dude! Losers: Anthrax/”Warship” Music, Five Finger Death Punch/American Capitalist, Foo Fighters/Wasting Light, Lamb Of God/Resolution.

10:28 PM PERFORMANCE Host Chris Jericho follows clips of Marilyn Manson ranting about the persecution of the West Memphis Three with a rant about the persecution of the West Memphis Three. He is then joined by Damien Echols of the West Memphis Three. As Echols movingly thanks Manson and the welcoming Golden Gods crowd, one attendee is heard bellowing “Jeffrey Dahmer!” You stay classy, metal people.

10:32 PM PERFORMANCE To preface his mini-set, Marilyn Manson thanks Echols, his “very good friend” whom it’s been “13 years since” he met. Then he launches into his first song, “The Dope Show,” with his to-be tour mate Taylor Momsen (right). But back to that little speech: To recap, I’ll list Manson’s two points: He’s friends with the recently freed victim of false triple-homicide charges; he met the poor guy more than a decade ago. LOLZ probably could’ve said something meaningful there, brah.

10:45 PM PERFORMANCE Manson is joined by actor Johnny Depp (right) for “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” and “The Beautiful People.” That might upset or disappoint you, seeing as Depp is too rad to party with reeky Manson instead of with you. But hey, it’s his life. If it makes you feel better, I suspect his guitar wasn’t plugged in?

10:53 PM ON STAGE Host Chris Jericho closes this year’s gala with a robust thank-you to sponsors, to ticketholders, and in a series of super-secret gestures and sounds known only to us, to me Anso DF, this year’s winner of the Golden God Award for Metal Dude Most In Need Of Drugz Right Now! Good night from Los Angeles, California and thank YOU for reading!

–ADF

Catch the replay of the 2012 Revolver Golden Gods Awards presented by Epiphone on XBOX Live. Feel free to stuff drugz up your butt and visit me at my in-no-way-forced-on-me-in-exchange-for-dropping-the-charges substance abuse resolution center now now now!

All images courtesy of Revolver Golden Gods Awards.