It’s Official: There is Too Much Slayer Merchandise

So I was reading on The PRP this morning about Slayer now make woven tapestry blankets, which are great, because they ensure that you you can be warm at night and alone at night and ninety dollars poorer, all with the purchase of one convenient product.

So I clicked over to the Slayer Store to see this thing, and I can’t remember having ever visited this site before, but HOLY SHIT, there is just way too much Slayer merch available. I mean, we knew they were going overboard with the condoms and tacky jewelery, but shit is really starting to reach Kiss-level proportions now.

There are some items that make sense, like shot glasses and flasks and guitar picks and pendants and stickers featuring jokes only Slayer fans would appreciate — y’know, things that a metal fan might reasonably purchase, and that most bands of a certain size make these days. But there’s also playing cards and reversible handbags and overpriced USB drives and the aforementioned condoms — products where the band is already pushing their luck.

And then there’s the socks. A single pair costs twenty-three bucks. TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS FOR A PAIR OF SOCKS. Do you know how many socks I can get with that kind of money? And don’t give me any bullshit about “Well, these are really nice socks.” They’re overpriced because they say “Slayer” on them. On your socks. Where no one will ever, ever see it, unless you wear shorts and keep them pulled up all the way, like a Hitler Youth would.

So, yeah, buying a pair of these socks is a great way to tell the starving children of the world that you hope they all die.

Of course, it’s not all offensive — some of it is just stupid, and therefore funny. Specifically, the product descriptions. Like the one for the aforementioned blanket, which, for no apparent reason other than to remind Slayer fans that they are about to buy a Slayer product (in case the fact that they’re in the Slayer store looking at an item with a giant Slayer logo on it somehow escapes them), begins with a quote from “Raining Blood”:

WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME WANT TO BUY YOUR STUPID BLANKET?!?! Does anyone go to bed at night and think, “Boy, I sure do hope this blanket makes me feel like I’m trapped in purgatory!” No. No one ever does, ever.

But this is far and away my single favorite thing on the merch site:

Because somebody decided that it wasn’t okay to use the word “fuckin’” in the product description, despite the fact that it says “fuckin’” right there on the photo of the glass.

That is brilliant. Just fuckin’ brilliant.