IS THERE ANYTHING LORD NEVER CAN’T DO???

A reader sent us the below video, which is by a man who calls himself Lord Never. It’s pretty amazing, guys. You can skip ahead to the :50 mark, but make sure you keep watching it after that, because this dude clearly has more talent in the dump he took this morning that Ihsahn will ever have, ever:

And if right about now you’re thinking, “Oh, FUCK, this dude is WAY TOO GOOD. I am going to quit music forever because clearly I will never be as good as Lord Never!”, well, hold on to your mittens — because it turns out that Lord Never is a talented stand-up comedian, too. For example, have you ever wondered, “What’s up with the ice cream man?” Of course you have! And these are the kinds of delicious human foibles Lord Never observes so astutely in his act:

So right now you’re probably so green with envy because Lord Never is so goddamn multi-talented that you’re considering suicide. Well, go ahead and pull the trigger, ’cause he’s even more multi-talented than you already thought he was. Seriously. For example, the below video, which proves that Lord Never is also the best thing to happen to film criticism since jaw cancer:

I have no evidence that Lord Never is also a brilliant wordsmith, but I mean, come ON, clearly this a man who can do anything. So I just e-mailed him to see if he wants to take over MetalSucks. I mean, like, forever. Hopefully he can finally whip this piece of shit blog into shape, y’know?

-AR