The Top 15 Reasons that Metallica are the Yankees of Metal

With the Big 4 concert in NYC fast approaching, its high time for some tasteless list-making and name-calling. Even the staunchest of metal purists probably can’t summon quite the amount of hatred for Metallica that we here at MetalSucks feel towards the Yankees (really just their fans), but lettuce be cereal here for a moment: it’s only too fitting that Metallica chose Yankee Stadium for the Big 4 show. So, here we go, the Top Fifteen Reasons That Metallica Are the Yankees of Metal:

15. Both had classic and storied beginnings but are now concerned only with making Benjamins.

14. Both suffered premature losses of legends (Lou Gehrig = Cliff Burton).

13. Both have historically received unwarranted amounts of attention despite the presence of more authentic, likable peers (Slayer / Megadeth / Anthrax = Giants / Dodgers / Mets)

12. Believe in charging even the poorest of their fans $90 for a ticket and $40 for a t-shirt.

11. Derek Jeter = Robert Trujillo?

10. Sell tons of merch to casual, fairweather fans.

9. Very popular amongst frat boys, lunkheads, rich people, Republicans and insufferable pricks like Rudy Guiliani (maybe that last one just applies to the Yankees, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Rudy absolutely loved St. Anger!).

8. Big free agent splashes that ended up going bust: Carl Pavano = Jason Newsted.

7. Both brands are completely ubiquitous the world over.

6. Early ’90s James Hetfield = Catfish Hunter?

5. Serve as a gateway introduction for kids just getting introduced to their respective crafts.

4. Past association with important people who didn’t know when to step back and be hands-off (Bob Rock = George Steinbrenner).

3. Both have one whipping boy who receives the ire of all fans no matter what (A-Rod = Kirk Hammett).

2. “Enter Sandman.”

1. A-Rod and Metallica both enjoy hanging out at Madonna’s house:

As for the Mets of metal? It’s obviously Anthrax. They keep slapping their fans in the face with dubious personnel moves and long periods of suckitude only to come back from the dead every once in a blue moon and KICK FUCKING ASS. And they’re from Queens, duh!

-VN