50 THINGS WE ARE NOT LIKELY TO EVER SEE OR HEAR IN THE METAL WORLD

1. A power ballad by Slayer.
2. A Jew in a Stryper shirt.
3. A Zakk Wylde performance with no guitar squeals.
4. An Atreyu song with no auto-tune.
5. Scott Weiland at the age of 50.
6. Dave Mustaine share his weed.
7. Dangerous Toys on the cover of Decibel.
8. A Deicide album with clean vocals.
9. A pro-choice rally headlined by Demon Hunter.
10. A calm, quiet, and introspective interview with C.C. DeVille.
11. An interview with Sebastian Bach where no one asks him if there’ll ever be a Skid Row reunion.
12. An interview with Sebastian Bach where he doesn’t name-drop Axl Rose.
13. An story on MetalSucks about Sebastian Bach that isn’t followed by hundreds of comments from Karen James.
14. Scott Ian say “no” to an offer to be on tv, have his picture taken, or in any way remind people of his existence.
15. A guest spot by Fred Durst on a Boris album.
16. A guest spot by Rob Zombie on a Bullet for My Valentine album.
17. A guest spot by Glen Danzig on a North Side Kings album.
18. George W. Bush at a Gojira concert.
19. Tipper Gore at a Twisted Sister concert.
20. Joe Lieberman at a Marilyn Manson concert.
21. Phil Anselmo at an NAACP fund raiser.
22. Josh Homme at a GLAAD fund raiser.
23. Varg Vikernes at a church social.
24. A MetalSucks article praising Hellyeah.
25. A Velvet Revolver fan whose favorite member of the band is Dave Kushner.
26. Lars Ulrich reach his goal height of being six five four feet tall.
27. A movie version of The Dirt that’s as good as the book.
28. Ozzy run.
29. Mick Mars run.
30. Jason Suecof run.
31. The Dillinger Escape Plan touring as direct support for Disturbed.
32. A System of a Down lyric that makes any sense.
33. Dope guitarist Virus in a shirt that doesn’t have his name on it.
34. The chick from In This Moment perform in anything other than that blue dress.
35. Courtney Love use spell-check.
36. A long-lost diary entry where Kurt Cobain confesses his idolization of Axl Rose.
37. Rock of Love with Marq Torien.
38. A Dimmu Borgir biopic starring Nicolas Cage.
39. Dino Cazares looking down to see his own penis.
40. Otep making out with Rob Halford.
41. Rita Haney making out with Phil Anselmo.
42. A platinum Magrudergrind record.
43. A gold Magrudergrind record.
44. A silver Magrudergrind record.
45. A copper Magrudergrind record.
46. Chris Barnes on The View.
47. A Broadway musical based on the songs of Suffocation.
48. A Toby Wright-produced album by The Human Abstract.
49. A Pulitzer Prize in journalism for Geri Miller.
50. An actual, real live photo of Axl Rosenberg and/or Vince Neilstein.

-AR