TEN MOST LIKELY METALHEADS IN ANIMATED MOVIES

I’m at the point where I pretty much prefer animated movies to live-action ones. I passed up some big deal, hotshot movie that came out recently, whose name I don’t even remember, to see Rango. I’m usually a pretty good judge, too, because I knew Rango was going to be awesome ,and it was. It looks absolutely amazing, and if you’re a nerd for animation detail, the gross, crusty animals will thrill you. Not to mention the classic movie references from Chinatown to Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s also damn violent for a “kids movie.” And well, I’m a movie nerd with a deep love for filmic violence. My dad didn’t have any sons, ok? He raised me to love his Fab Four; Arnold, Bruce, Sylvester, and Jean-Claude. And Dolph, on days he felt generous.

This might be odd, but I always liked to think about what various characters’ personalities would be like. Down to their music and movie taste. I especially try to pick out the metalheads, because I want to find my animated brothers and sisters in arms. It was while musing on the subject on Twitter that I found out the talented Ms. Elise over at Reign in Blonde kind of does the same thing. Apparently, all my acquaintances are online these days. She actually compiled a list of the most metal Disney characters, and with her help, I’ve expanded the list. Here are the Ten Most Likely Metalheads in Animated Movies (excluding anime and other international releases, as the author has not done enough research on the subject.)

10) Stitch from Lilo & Stitch

Reasoning: Sure, they make a big deal of his love for Elvis, but note: it’s only to calm him down. Stitch is pure destruction. He’s angry, he’s rebellious, and there’s only one of him in the world. Hence, no one can truly understand him. He’s also kind of a weirdo. Well, as weird-lookin’ as an animated character that has to appeal to kids can be. He just doesn’t fit in with anyone, and I’m guessing that the only way he can vent is by listening to metal.

Musical Preference: Destruction, duh. Older thrash, too. Maybe throw in some Kreator and Testament.

9) Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

Reasoning: He’s kind of the bro-dude type. The man uses antlers in all of his decorating, so he’s tacky as all get-out. He also has slutty groupies who love him for his looks. I could see him showing up on a Sergeant D post.

Musical Preference: 36 Crazyfists, Five Finger Death Punch. Any band with obnoxiously colorful merch for those days he’s feeling romantic/looking to get some.

8) Mulan from Mulan

Reasoning: She’s the token girl in a group of guys and feels more comfortable that way. Even the town matchmaker can’t get her to be girly enough. She’s quiet and withdrawn and has a penchant for fantasy. She also talks to bugs. Mulan is all for female empowerment, but through talent and hard work rather than looks.

Musical Preference: Female-fronted bands. Especially Arch Enemy. She identifies with Angela.

7) Rocko from The Pebble and the Penguin

Reasoning: He’s a butthead who thinks he’s right all the time and that his is the only opinion that matters. He has no friends because of this attitude and likes it that way because everyone else is stupid. If he had the Internet he would have no qualms telling everyone these very things.

Musical Preference: He’s another thrash kid. He’s Team Megadeth all the way, except he’ll totally indulge in old Metallica when no one is watching and deny it to his dying day if he’s caught.

6) Robert ‘Bobby’ Zimmeruski from A Goofy Movie

Reasoning: He’s a slap-happy dude with not a care in the world. He’s likeable in the way that everything about him seems like a joke. Also, he’s voiced by an uncredited Pauly Shore and loves “cheese.”

Musical Preference: Hair metal. He’d be all about Steel Panther, too.

5) Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Reasoning: He constantly struggles with the whole good vs. evil dilemma, especially in relation to the church. He has issues with it because this is the life he was brought up into, but his brain battles with impure thoughts. He lusts over beautiful women while he lurks in the shadows, and would be completely scary if he weren’t so emo.

Musical Preference: I can see him trying out black metal in the midst of his existential crisis and getting too scared because it would be way to extreme for him to commit to. Instead, he listens to bands that secretly thrill him because they seem so evil, but hardcore fans would mock him — e.g., King Diamond and Warlock. He needs the epic and broody. He plays Mercyful Fates’ “Gypsy” on an endless loop. Damn that Esmerelda.

4) Po from Kung Fu Panda

Reasoning: Jack Black, like Sam Kinison and now Russell Brand, wants nothing more than to be rock star. He will act and take part in anything that has anything to do with metal. Po is Jack Black in Panda form. There’s no question about it. He’s watches old kung-fu movies and rocks out to metal. He’s a friendly, overweight dude that would get ridiculously excited over video games like Brutal Legend and really want an Eddie tattoo.

Musical Preference: Classic metal all the way. Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, even Motorhead. In his mind, “Breakin’ the Law” is his theme song.

3) Bagheera from Jungle Book

Reasoning: He’s intelligent to the point of being a total kill-joy. He’s the only civilized one in a crowd of animals and he often feels like he’s the smartest one there. But he hates calling too much attention to this fact, and would rather just observe and hide behind his dark fur (i.e., beard).

Musical Preference: Nerdy prog-metal. He’d consider Dream Theater too mainstream.

2) Astrid from How to Train Your Dragon

Reasoning: She’s gutsy and smart and, sometimes, kind of a nuisance. She always feels like she needs to compete with the boys to prove her worth and non-poserness. She also looks good wearing shit-kicker boots and secretly enjoys when boys notice her but will roll her eyes if she catches them.

Musical Preference: Amon Amarth, Ensiferum. She’ll argue that she likes Tyr for their music but won’t be averse to checking out the fine gentlemen from the Faroe Islands.

1) Hexxus from Fern Gully

Reasoning: He’s pure, no bullshit evil. There’s nothing vaguely cute or kitten-ish about him. He has no qualms about destroying. He is literally toxic waste. If he were dexterous, he’d burn everything down.

Musical Preference: Crust punk with a soft spot for sludgy metal. Appreciates classics like Pentagram and Venom but gets off to Amebix and Doom. Would snidely call Varg a pretty-boy.

-LF