SLY STALLONE IS JEALOUS

If I told you that there was a band called “Austrian Death Machine,” you could be forgiven for assuming it was a group of dudes who misinterpreted the lyrics of Slayer’s “Angel of Death” for an endorsement of genocide. In point of fact, the band is actually the Arnold Schwarzenegger-themed side project of As I Lay Dying front man Tim Lambesis. On the eve of the release of Total Brutal, ADM’s Metal Blade debut, Metal Inquistion have done a story on Goretorture, the Arnold Schwarzenegger-themed grindcore outfit. And while I don’t think it’s fair to say Lambesis “stole” the idea from Goretorture – after all, Ahnuld is, for better or worse, one of the most famous movie stars (calling him an “actor” is pushing it) of the past two decades – the story reminded me how much more I like Goretorture than Austrian Death Machine.

To be completely honest, my preference is based entirely on which band is wittier and not at all on the actual music (For the record, Goretorture sound like brutal grind, and ADM sound like As I Lay Dying. Shocking, I know.). Both acts take their song and/or album titles from infamous Ahnuld movie quotes, but Goretorture do it with a little more flare. Lambesis somehow had the good sense to call one of his songs “Get to the Choppa,” but missed a major opportunity when he named another track “It’s Not a Tumor” instead of “It’s Not a Tumah.” Still, I give Lambesis bonus points for giving another number the moniker “Screw You (Benny),” an excellent Total Recall reference if ever there was one.

To be honest, Goretorture’s song titles (including “Fuck You,” “Asshole,” “Law, Order, Brutality” and “Brutalation”) are often not nearly so prone to induce nostalgia for Schwarzenegger’s heyday – but they do include awesome sound clips from the Iron Pumper’s filmography, which is HUGE check in their “pro” column, and they called one of their releases Promised to Kill You Last… I Lied!, which is probably my absolute favorite Schwarzenegger line of all time. Also, in addition to the Governor of California himself, Goretorture’s MySpace friends include Commando characters Sully and Bennet, as well as the immortal Charles Bronson (HE’S NOT DEAD! He’s just… unavailable). Austrian Death Machine have Conan the Barbarian as a friend, but they also list… Daath. Swell.

In any case, I strongly encourage you to check out both bands for yourself and state your own educated opinion in the comments section below.

-AR