WHAT YOUR FAVORITE METAL BAND SAYS ABOUT YOU

Those comic geniuses over at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency have done it again with the latest installment of “What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You”. (Part One is here.) In the spirit of plagiarism, I’ve decided to shamelessly co-opt the form to make fun of metal bands.

Mastodon: You’d be surprised how much you’d enjoy the music of the band Yes.

Sunn O))): You own a Philip Glass album but you’ve never listened to it.

Sleep: You’ve dated a girl who owns a dream catcher.

High On Fire: You have strident opinions about Greg Fidelman.

Nickeback: Your air-conditioner repair business is thriving.

Disturbed: Your air-conditioner repair business is failing.

Godsmack: You work for the Disturbed fan’s failing air-conditioner repair business.

Crowbar: You once discovered an unwrapped watermelon-flavored Jolly Rancher in your beard.

Eyehategod: You once discovered an unwrapped watermelon-flavored Jolly Rancher in your beard. And then you ate it.

Buzzoven: You once discovered an unwrapped watermelon-flavored Jolly Rancher in your rectum.

Valient Thorr: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT?!?!?!?

Down: You only occasionally regret the Confederate Flag tattoo on your left ankle.

Pantera: You only occasionally regret the Confederate Flag tattoo on your chest.

Superjoint Ritual: You only occasionally regret the Confederate Flag tattoo on your forehead.

Damage Plan: You can down an impressive number of Black Tooth Grins.

Hellyeah: You have an actual black tooth grin, due to severe dental neglect.

Weedeater: You’re a lot prouder of your brownies than you ought to be.

Kyuss: Buzzards have circled you on at least one occasion.

Melvins: You have circled Buzzo on at least one occasion.

Madball: You own a fitted baseball cap.

Terror: You own a display case for your fitted baseball cap collection.

Emmure: You’re fifteen.

Suicide Silence: You’re sixteen.

Winds Of Plague: You’re seventeen.

Oceano: You’re me!

-GS