IDOL REMAINS LIVE: CUZ YOU’RE DISGRACEFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE
Tues: The final 12 (men)
Wed: The final 12 (ladies)
Thur: Live results
Misery index: A dropped taco
Tyler-o-meter: 1%
For years I’ve secretly wanted an excuse to watch American Idol. And Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler’s appointment to the panel of judges provided one. Hey, I want music programming on primetime TV. I want to enjoy great songs sung by nice people. I want some schlub to get a career-enabling break.
Too bad there’s so much baggage. The fabricated human drama. The Running Man-esque torturedome. The pandering, ass-kissing, and marginalizing. The Jennifer Lopez. I hate this damn shit.
But here in week seven, things are looking up slightly. It’s live broadcast time, so no kind editing for the persistently idiotic ‘Fer-‘Pez. The Idol house band helps drown out all the weak, scared singing. And since there remained only 24 contestants, we can see a distant end to this rancid slobberfest. Thank fuck.
Now that judge input is reduced to a minimum (though ‘Fer-‘Pez displays no compunction about talking into Randy Jackson’s time) and the 100% inept singers are removed (several 80% inept singers remain), it’s probably the safest time for music lovers to join Idol season ten in progress. Before you do, get to know the singers — and see who moved on to next week — with our Idol Remains Week Seven Contestant Sc’whorecard.
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THE PUSSIES
Name: Clint Jun Gamboa
Song: “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder
Scoop: Eminently hatable karaoke host armed with catalogue-sized arsenal of ugly eyeglasses
Skillz: Moves? Check. Voice? Check. Personality? Wreck.
Result: Voted out
Justice: Partial. Though Gamboa is one of the few real singers, his cockishness makes him ratings repellent
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Name: Jovany with the tight bod
Song: some hideous ballad about being a pussy
Scoop: Hunky shipyard stud has more abs than chops
Skillz: Weak
Result: Voted out, then granted an unsuccessful audition for wild card spot.
Justice: Total. Now he’s free to audition for a show that would fit him: All My Children
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Name: Jordan something something
Song: “OMG” by Usher
Scoop: Music teacher by day; music destroyer by night
Skillz: Correct pitch must’ve murdered his brother and now he wants revenge
Result: Voted out
Justice: Total. There are so few ways to love him.
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Name: Tim the nice guy
Song: “Song To Assure Whites That Everything Is Cool” by Rob Thomas
Scoop: Skilled songwriter knows how to exalt, not how to sing
Skillz: VH1
Result: Voted out
Justice: Partial. Now who will be the next Jason Mraz?
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Name: Brett with the red hair
Song: “Light My Fire In A Strictly Platonic Way” by The Doors
Scoop: He’s “just a rainbow cupcake in a pan full of chocolate cupcakes.”
Skillz: Talks like Cyco Miko, sounds like Geddy Lee on ecstasy
Result: Voted out but ate up $100K of commercial airtime with a round of hugs for his besties, the judges
Justice: Partial. 16-year old Breddy Lee can identify correct pitch, but why didn’t he sing “Tom Sawyer”?
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Name: Heavy Metal James Durbin
Song: “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” by Judass Priest (above)
Scoop: Tourette’s- and Asperger’s-stricken James begs, blasts in equal measures
Skillz: Halford at age 12; Randy Jackson said his use of upper register was “nice ‘n tasty”
Result: Voted in
Justice: Total. Cuz heavy metal rules.
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Name: Robbie with the schnoz
Song: slow jam that made my ballz weep
Scoop: Peabo Bryson called and wants his blandness back
Skillz: Nice tone and pitch, which aren’t the only traits he shares with a Casio keyboard demo
Result: Voted out but granted an unsuccessful wild card audition
Justice: Total. Robbie’s thin, sackless alto could be overpowered by a kazoo accompaniment.
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Name: Countreh Boah Scotty McCreary
Song: country hit about raisin’ up kids, takin’ care of mama
Scoop: A kid with a man’s voice and George W. Bush’s mannerisms
Skillz: Great if you can stand it
Result: Voted in
Justice: Ugh. This good ol’ country boy makes me want to take a good ol’ country dump
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Name: Stefano Dimples
Song: “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars
Scoop: Super cute Stefano sings directly to your woman’s vagina
Skillz: Sugary tone, salty pitch
Result: Voted out but granted successful audition for wild card spot
Justice: Hey if he doesn’t end up winning, there’s solace in the fact that he’s hotter than most chicks.
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Name: Paul in the Nudie Suit
Song: “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart
Scoop: More like “Saggy, Fey”
Skillz: Judges hail Paul as a unique, heretofore unseen talent. Apparently they’ve never been to the Hotel Cafe.
Result: Voted in
Justice: Partial. At least he’s not a shrieking wail-bot.
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Name: Jacob down with Jesus
Song: Who can tell?
Scoop: Seems to be forgetting the 11th commandment: Thou shalt not oversing all to shit
Skillz: Look, I have the power to bed thousands of women. But I take a day off once in a while. Try it, Jacob.
Result: Voted in
Justice: Partial. Save some notes for the others, stud.
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Name: Casey on bass-y
Song: “I Put A Spell On You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Scoop: Brent Hinds-lookin’ dude treats his Idol run like an audition for Blues Hammer
Skillz: Clean up that beard, brah
Result: Voted in
Justice: Partial. He’s a skilled musician and therefore annoying as hell.
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THE HARPIES
Name: Ta-tynisa
Song: “Only Girl (In The World)” by Rihanna
Scoop: Why not bicker with the judges? That could help!
Skillz: Pitch hates you too
Result: Voted out
Justice: Ta-total. Ta-ta!
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Name: Naima Adedapo
Song: “Summertime” by George Gershwin
Scoop: Can’t hear ya, your dress is too loud!
Skillz: A grown-up singer of grown-up songs
Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot
Justice: Total. Despite bad poise, Naima could sell records, not just sing along to them.
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Name: Rachel Zevita
Song: “Criminal” by Fiona Apple
Scoop: Scared, pint-sized chanteuse sings like Amy Winehouse in need of crack.
Skillz: Steven Tyler remarked that he loved her strut, loved her moves. He forgot to say he hated her singing.
Result: Voted way the fuck out
Justice: Total. It was worth it to see Jackson’s comments crumple her chin. (ToT)
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Name: Karen Rodriguez
Song: something about heroes, the expert domain of any 21-year old
Scoop: Did you hear? Karen is a Latina! She loves her mom!
Skillz: Sings in Spanish because art and emotion transcends earthly language. See: “The Macarena.”
Result: Voted in
Justice: Total. She’s a devoted daughter, nice person, and sturdy vocalist. Y’know, just like all your favorite stars.
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Name: Lauren Turner
Song: “Seven-Day Fool” by Etta James
Scoop: Can seamlessly imitate Christina Aguilera. In about two weeks, she’ll be more attractive than Christina Aguilera.
Skillz: Powerhouse. Brick house.
Result: Voted out
Justice: Partial. Nice to have an Idol contestant with some wit and self-awareness.
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Name: Ashthon Jones
Song: The only Monica jam I dislike
Scoop: Fine and fiery, Ashthon has the makings of a diva. And we need more of those!
Skillz: Often unable to interpret pitch accurately, consistently sharp
Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot
Justice: Zero.
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Name: Julie the superfox
Song: “Breakaway” by American Idol
Scoop: Julie is a superfox. Why sing?
Skillz: The recital dress, the auto show model arm, the stock-still stance? Was she told this was Miss America?
Result: Voted out
Justice: Total. Wounded by rejection, she’ll be more responsive to my tender comfort and insistence that no, her drink doesn’t taste funny.
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Name: Haley Reinhart
Song: “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys
Scoop: Skintight dresses are pretty
Skillz: I like your dress
Result: Bonered in
Justice: Her drink doesn’t taste funny either. Srsly.
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Name: Thia Megia
Song: “Out Here On My Own” from Fame
Scoop: I bet Tyler would agree that 15-year old Thia is amasian!
Skillz: Like most Asian girls, a little flat
Result: Voted in
Justice: Jackson likened her to Michael Jackson presumably cuz of their shared taste for 15-year old boys hey-ooooo!
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Name: Lauren the winner
Song: “Turn On The Radio” not “Turn Up The Radio”
Scoop: Cuddly 16-year old Lauren is favored to win
Skillz: Huge. A real singer.
Result: Voted in yee-haw
Justice: Total. But Lauren should eschew this tee-ball country 101 shit. She would slay “Barracuda.”
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Name: Pia Toscano
Song: “I’ll Stand By You”
Scoop: Pretty-by-comparison Pia can muster at least one big blast per song
Skillz: Master of suggestion as “I’ll Stand By You” netted her a standing ovation plus hails as a “stand-out” though she spent the song standing by the mic stand
Result: Voted in
Justice: Partial. Idol producers are pushing her as competition for Lauren the winner
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–ADF
MetalSucks’ Idol Remains Live returns next week for more American Idol inanity and insanity when the final 13 singers enter the octagon unarmed to do battle with rabid jackals.
