IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY, LET’S LISTEN TO METAL AND F*CK

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Reviled by most, enjoyed by the smug, and shrugged off by the belligerently ambivalent. But while most of us couldn’t care less about this specific day in February, it’s still an annoyance that comes around every year. Kind of like the common cold.

Now, most places will have shitloads of “quirky” recommendations you can do with your special someone, even if you’re of the metalhead persuasion. You can hold sweaty hands in the privacy of your parents’ basement, pour each other some classy Motorhead wine, and share a blood pudding in the dreamy light of those church candles. It’s all very nice and sweet to be… nice and sweet.

But you know what’s better? DOING IT. With a killer soundtrack. So on this very special day, I’ve made you all a romantically inappropriate mix tape.

Picking “mood” songs is a little too obvious for my taste. I mean yeah, Faith No More’s “Stripsearch” (Actually, that might be more of a stripping song than a sexing one, but ,hmm, “Evidence” maybe? Heh, “Be Aggressive” might work for some. Either way, Patton’s voice = nudity.) and NIN’s “Closer” are both appropriate (for very different reasons), but that’s no fun. Go forth and find that special someone willing to get, get naked to these select songs. There’s a little something for everyone. St. Valentine would’ve wanted it that way.

Cannibal Corpse – “Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt”

Gwar – “Fucking An Animal”

Bloodbath – “Eaten”

Hardcore Superstar – “Bubblecum Ride”

Belphegor – “Demonic Staccato Erection”

At The Gates – “Raped By the Light of Christ”

BulletBoys – “Smooth Up In Ya”

Emperor – “The Eruption”

Bruce Dickinson – “Lickin’ the Gun”

Eluveitie – “The Somber Lay”

My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult – “Flesh Playhouse”

Alice Cooper – “Only Women Bleed”

Kvelertak – “Blodtorst (Bloodthirsty)”

Judas Priest – “Ram It Down”

Bang Camaro – “Swallow the Razor”

Converge – “In Her Blood”

Turbonegro – “Rendezvous With Anus”

Kreator – “Bone Breaker”

Amorphis – “Empty Opening”

Emmure – “Rusted Over Wet Dreams”

Necrophagist – “Fermented Offal Discharge”

Bathory – “Bestial Lust”

Venom – “One Thousand Days in Sodom”

Impaled Nazarene – “Angel Rectums Do Bleed”

So enjoy the day either with someone or by yourself. (You’re never alone if you have a hand. I’m sorry amputees, that was insensitive. But maybe you’re very bendy?) And remember, it’s only one stupid day.

What songs get YOU laid the rest of the year?

-LF