IF I HAVE TO HEAR THAT “ON MY HEART JUST LIKE A TATTOO” SONG ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE

Seriously, pretty much any time I step into a fucking deli, drug store, diner, or any number of other commonly-frequented places, this fucking song is playing. I don’t even know who sings it, I just know that it’s fucking everywhere, and that it’s easily one of the shittiest, stupidest fucking songs I’ve ever heard in my fucking life. And now there’s some chick in my office who walks around singing it all fucking day long. And somehow it would be considered rude of me to smack her in the face and tell her I hope she swallows her own tongue, but it’s NOT considered rude for her to sing the fucking song for hours and hours and hours on end.

“On my heart just like a tattoo?” How can you get a fucking tattoo on your heart? THAT’S RETARDED. I recognize that a more realistic lyric, like, say, “You’re on my tit just like a tattoo”would probably make Mary Jane Rottencrotch feel less inclined to give Johnny Date Rape a handjob in her parents’ bedroom after the big kegger, but COME ON, America, let’s at least make an EFFORT to appear to be intelligent adults, m’kay?

But let’s get back to the issue of this playing music in public places bullshit. I don’t understand why places feel the need to have music playing, unless it’s, y’know, a fucking music store. But these fucking places always have music playing, and it’s inevitably some easy listening radio station*, because I guess that’s considered “inoffensive.” But you know what? It IS offensive. It’s offensive to me. I just want a fucking bagel, do I really need to hear this talentless bitch drone on and on again and again with this year’s crappiest prom song?

I’m not saying these places should have fucking Dying Fetus playing all the time – obviously that would be ridiculous. I understand that not everyone likes metal. That’s why I don’t walk around with a boom box blasting it all the times – because we all share the air, and I don’t think people should have to listen to shit they don’t like. Which is why I think these fucking places just need to adopt a “no music” policy.

But until they do, I think that each and every person who listens to, sings, hums, whistles, or in any way supports this awful song, should be made to get an actual tattoo on his or her actual heart. Without anesthesia. Fuckers.

-AR

*The exception is Gray’s Papaya, which is usually playing some decent old school Motown stuff. If you don’t know what Gray’s Papaya is, well, congratulations, you’ve never had a real hot dog.