TOMMY LEE TO SEAWORLD: ‘STOP JACKING OFF HOMOCIDAL WHALE’
If MetalSucks had a GQ-style 2010 Men of the Year award, all of my votes would go to Lakers forward Ron Artest. Though best known for his jaunt into mass face-punching in 2004, Artest is since lauded for his high-profile campaign to raise awareness of youth mental health issues. To date, more than $450k has been raised in his raffle (not auction) to win his 2009-2010 NBA Championship ring; yesterday, it was announced that he will donate a portion (possibly the entirity) of next season’s $7 million salary. Plus, Artest matches his wallet-emptying with efforts to de-stigmatize mental illness in the public: In an on-court interview following that game seven championship victory, an unabashedly ecstatic Artest reserved biggest thanks for his psychiatrist. The guy has travelled light years from his rookie days of locker-room boozing at halftime (!) and semi-regular legal tangles.
To put Ron’s ascent to awesomeness into context, let’s all consider fellow amateur rapper/Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, who has just taken a firm public stand in a similarly vital debate: collecting semen from a captive whale. Uh yeah. From Lee’s semi-coherent letter to SeaWorld president Terry Prather:
After learning about the bizarre way you breed killer whales, my friends at PETA and I are stumped about SeaWorld’s announcement that no people will ever again have direct contact with Tilikum, the orca who has killed three people including his trainer this year [sic]. We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety … that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as ‘direct’ as it gets. I hope it doesn’t take another tragic death for SeaWorld to realize it shouldn’t frustrate these smart animals by keeping them in tanks.
Um, Lee is kinda all over the place there. So it’s hard to pinpoint his exact bone of contention. Is his outrage based on ill-treatment of Tilikum or on the endangering of the Orca’s would-be masturbators? Or is it just disappointment that in his “wildest days in Motley Crue,” he never thought to fuck a hot cow vag? Meanwhile, Prather and SeaWorld have fired back at Lee, but kindly eschew any mention of the human suffering caused by Lee’s own Methods of Mayhem.
-ADF
$2 tickets for Ron Artest’s Win My Bling raffle are available here. Proceeds benefit Artest’s Xcel University. Or you could earmark that same cash for this instead.
