10 Metal “Love” Songs for That Special Someone This Valentine’s Day
For those of us in committed relationships, today’s a day of reflection and appreciation to the ones we love. For the rest of you miserable mooks, it’s a dreaded Hallmark Holiday meant to sell cards, flowers, jewelry, and oversized stuff bears that has long since lost the thread of any historic or religious connotations it may have started with, and everyone knows it. So you know what all that means…
Time for some death metal.
Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as setting aside a single random day during the shittiest part of the year to demonstrate to your significant other that you care about them. And so, in the spirit of all that, here’s some death metal that’s sure to set your partner’s loins ablaze… or get you back on Bumble.
Cannibal Corpse – “I Cum Blood”
Y’all had to have seen this one coming (heh). I mean come on (it’s not going to get better), it’s a classic, and a legitimately badass song. If you’ve ever seen Cannibal Corpse live you’ll know that this song is a staple in their setlist, and all it takes is Corpsegrinder saying “This next song… is about shooting-” to make the crowd start going wild. A perfect song to whip up a circle pit, and maybe even a little psychopathic hanky-panky. Also, inb4 someone makes a joke about cumming first. What can I say, I got excited.
Suffocation – “Entrails of You”
“A being so beautiful as you tingles the senses and pushes one to defilement. Like the lamb to the slaughter, what terrible things I would do to you.” Put that shit in a Valentine’s Day card for a metal head, why don’t ya? I’m fanning myself over here just thinking about it. I guarantee it would work, and if they don’t get the reference, then don’t go to bed with them. I mean, Frank Mullen himself sang it to his wife at their wedding, so that tells you all you need to know.
The Black Dahlia Murder – “Deathmask Divine”
There’s clingy, and then there’s… whatever the hell this is. Then again, this also a fantastic example of the late great Trevor Strnad’s knack for writing genuinely beautiful poetry and somehow working it into gruesome death metal (RIP, we’ll miss you forever). Lines like “How their greenish flecks befell me that starlit winter’s night, I lost all that I ever was while lost within their sight” and “I did my best to love you while you did live and breathe, this tender taxidermy trophy of the bereaved” tell a tale of heartbreak-fueled insanity that would make Edgar Allen Poe blush.
Pig Destroyer – “Girl in the Slayer Jacket”
Ahh, young love. To be a wide eyed young’un first discovering metal and having your heart skip a beat the first time you see your crush rocking a black shirt with an illegible logo on it too. If she wasn’t your crush before, she sure was now. And then, of course, the first of many facepalms when some neckbeard walks up and demands that she name three songs. Good times. And yeah, yeah, I know, this song isn’t really about love and is actually super fucking depressing, but everything else on this list is pretty much just about murder, so whatever, close enough.
Cradle of Filth – “Nymphetamine (Fix)”
I stand corrected, this one isn’t about murder, it’s just about an extremely toxic codependent relationship where they can’t stop banging each other. Much better. Dani Filth has always had a penchant for verbose gothic poetry, as well as an instantly recognizable high-pitched scream that could shatter a wine glass. Great for cementing them as a household name for thirty years, but it might accidentally ruin your romantic dinner lit by candles that have been arranged in a pentagram.
Vehemence – “She Never Noticed Me”
Can’t forget about the incels. After all, they’re the ones who are affected the most by this holiday. Won’t someone think of the awkward sulking losers who are busy writing manifestos instead of, I dunno, going to the gym or learning how to cook or something? Maybe if you learn how to play this song on the guitar she’ll be impressed, those tremolo riffs just after the three-minute mark are pretty baller. You got this, bro. Hashtag thoughts and prayers.
Grave – “In Love”
“People blame me for being insane, but I am just in love.” Yeah, come on guys, this guy dug up his wife’s corpse and… uhh… did stuff with it because it’s romantic! It’s called commitment, ever heard of it? Til death do us part? We’ll see about that. Personally, I think it’s sweet that this man was still very much attracted to his wife so late into their marriage. And they say romance is dead. Literally. Rimshot, crowd laughs, thank you very much, I’ll be here all week, tip your bartenders. Ok, that’s enough necrophilia jokes for one list.
Devourment – “Fucked to Death”
I’m all for romance, but sometimes you just wanna get right down to the point, am I right? No frills, no bullshit, just “Hey babe, I’ve had a bad day, get over here. I’ll order us some Chinese afterwards.” Except this time, that takeout ended up being for one. Oops. I mean, we’ve all been guilty of being selfish lovers at one point or another. It’s not our finest moment, but hey, shit happens. Or at least that’s what was said after the cops showed up.
Cattle Decapitation – “Release the Gimp”
This one’s for all the S&M freaks out there. It’s your time to shine, baby. And to squeak a little bit when you walk- excuse me, I mean crawl around on a leash like the dog you are. Yeah, you like that don’t you, you little bitch? You like it when Daddy makes stupid jokes that go on for way too long, don’t you? Well too bad, we need to generate content so now you’re stuck with it. The safe word is doing Travis Ryan’s signature disgusting vocals.
DragonForce – “My Heart Will Go On”
We’ve finally come to the climax, my friends. Some might say it took entirely too long to get here, some might say it shouldn’t have happened at all and are regretting their life choices, but not me. Last but most certainly not least, we have a fantastic and hilarious rendition of a timeless schmoozy classic. I love me some Celine Dion when the mood is right, but the real question is: how good is her sweep picking? Not as good as Herman Li, I’ll tell you that much. This song rules, and you cannot tell me otherwise.
