MetalSucks’ Ultimate 2023 Holiday Gift Guide for Metalheads
There used to be a time when the day after Thanksgiving was the only day you got fucking wild sales in anticipation for the holidays, but this is 2023 baybee and the wanton consumerism ain’t stopping for anyone. We’re already like a week into the deals, so fuck it — why not share some of the cool shit we found online that we think the metalhead in your life will enjoy?
Remember, you’ve only got a scant few weeks before the ritualistic unwrapping of shit in observance of whatever religious (or non-religious) holiday you prefer. So from kick ass vinyl variants and electronics to booze and apparel and everything in between, it’s all here.
Vibes High Fidelity Concert Ear Plugs
Concerts are a great time, but not being able to hear well the next day sucks. Help your favorite metalhead keep their hearing for life by getting them a pair of ear plugs. These ones from Vibes come highly reviewed and honestly, for how much they cost, you’re getting a killer deal. Though honestly, no cost is too high to keep your hearing, because once that’s gone, you’re boned.
Buy: $21.71 at Amazon
Concert tickets
What’s more metal than actually getting your slowly rotting carcass out of the house and to a show? Very little, we tell ya. There are so many ways to get your favorite metalhead to a gig, so find one that works and do it that way. Know a band they like that’s coming around? Buy the tickets for ’em. Not sure what show they’d like to see? Get ’em a StubHub gift card, so they can buy their own damn tickets. Bonus points for the gift card: it can be used for nearly any event, including pro wrestling shows and sports events if they’re into that sort of shit.
Buy: StubHub eGift Cards
Metal Blade Records 2023 Holiday Sale
Now through December 31, fans can get select vinyl releases for $19.82 (both single and double LPs), as well as various merch, box sets, and other items for up to 80% off at the official Metal Blade USA store. Discounted releases include some killer offerings from bands like Cattle Decapitation, Behemoth, Between The Buried And Me, GWAR, Unearth and many more!
Buy: Metal Blade Records
Limited Variant of Type O Negative’s Life Is Killing Me 20th Anniversary Edition
For the first time ever on standalone vinyl, the classic Type O Negative album Life Is Killing Me is getting its due with an extremely limited run. This release comes in a sick new “full metal jacket” colorway, which is a mix of solid silver and solid dark green. We can’t stress just how limited of a run this is. At just 1,000 copies, this is very likely to sell out before its street date of January 12, 2024.
Buy: $59.98 at MetalSucks’ Store
Audio-Technica At-LP60X-GM Fully Automatic Belt-Drive Stereo Turntable
The perfect way to enter into the world of vinyl, this Audio Technica unit contains everything you need to hook into your stereo or pair of speakers and get started, including a phono stage to boost the signal.
Buy: $129.99 at Amazon (Reg. price: $149.99)
CorpsePaintSoaps
Finally, you can take a bath with Abbath! Or King Diamond, Papa Emeritus III, Dani Filth, Euronymous, Dead, King Ov Hell, or a number of other infamous black and occult metal figures. If soap ain’t your bag, they’ve got sweet pentagram soap dishes and moisturizing corpse paint face masks for those post-show spa dates.
Buy: Various options available via CorpsePaintSoaps’ Etsy shop
Various Teas from BrutaliTeas
Hailing from New Jersey, BrutaliTeas is a tea company with punny names inspired by metal bands and songs. They’ve got various teas on offer like Testamint, Between the Blueburied and Me, Crantera, and Mangowar, just to name a few. The brand works directly with artists on tea collaborations, with their most recent being a Wednesday 13 black tea called Good Day to be a Bad Chai. They also have some horror and movie inspired names as well. Brutaliteas makes high quality and unique blends for tea drinkers of every palette.
Buy: Various options available at BrutaliTeas
Devil’s Care Package from Satanic Tea Company
We’ve got even more tea for the metalhead, this time from the folks at Satanic Tea Company. This little package comes with a 40 gram bag of their Throat of Lucifer tea, which contains Albertan peppermint and lavender, and a 40 gram bag of Satan’s Slumber, which contains chamomile, sweet rose hips, hops, valerian, lavender. have the perfect gift box for them. Packed with one of the company’s classic teas, a tea infuser, and a happy little mug that says “Drink Tea Worship Satan,” it’s the perfect little collection for that tea-guzzling thrasher in your life.
Buy: $19 at pitchblacknorth.com
GWAR Espresso Destructo from Grindcore Coffee Co.
Maybe the metalhead in your life needs a more potent pick me up in the morning and only the dark arts of coffee brewing will do. If that’s the case, then check out GWAR’s own coffee, Espresso Destructo, blended by Grindcore Coffee Company. This coffee company has a number of artist-sanctioned coffee blends, from Cryptopsy’s Max Caffeine Blend to Convalescence’s Brazilian Hazelnut. They’ve got other non-artist coffees on offer too, including Left Hand Path House, Faces of Death French Vanilla, and Ultimate Cinn, so there’s definitely going to be something your special someone will enjoy.
Buy: GWAR Coffee – $17 at Grindcore Coffee Co.
Metallica Blackened Whiskey
Metallica’s own brand of whiskey, created in conjunction with master distiller Dave Pickerell (R.I.P.), was subjected to loud blasts of Metallica music during the aging process inside of black brandy barrels, which allegedly influences the flavor. Meyer Sound has engineered a proprietary subwoofer that amplifies the low-frequency sound waves necessary to get the juices moving. The whiskey is a blend of bourbons, ryes and other whiskeys. Blackened American Whiskey is available at select retailers through the U.S. and for order online, although not all states allow mail delivery of spirits.
Buy: $43.99 at Flaviar
Various Oddities from The Anja Offensive
If you’re ready to stop pretending to be into “weird stuff” because you listen to angry guitar music, it’s about time to check out the Ajna Offensive’s webstore. We’re talking occult texts from antique collections, all kinds of obscure biographies and works of music journalism. And of course, lots and lots of awesome music from the left hand path. Everything from black metal made by Catholics, to operas by Arvo Parte find a place here. There’s often a low stock margin, so get in while the getting’s good!
Buy: Various items at The Anja Offensive’s webstore
Bass String Keychains and Autographs from Cannibal Corpse’s Alex Webster
Do they love Cannibal Corpse and want something special directly from their bassist? Then boy do we have this insanely specific thing for you to get them for the holidays. Straight from the source himself, Alex Webster is selling special bass string keychains from strings he used during the “Violence Unimagined 2022-23 tour.” Coupled with each keychain is a signed photo certificate postcard. It’s the sort of handmade item from one of death metal’s biggest bands that really adds a special touch here.
Buy: $36.66 at AlexWebsterStore on Etsy
Humor and Pop-Goes-Metal Shirts from Bread and Water Print Shop
From Spice Girls and Amy Winehouse to The Cranberries and Missy Elliot, if you have a punk or metal friend with a guilty pleasure, this is the place to shop. Get your pop-themed metal joke shirt must-have merch here, and support a really badass small, woman-owned business while you do it.
Buy: Various options at Bread and Water Print Shop
Daughters of Darkness by Jeremy Saffer
This coffee table book from one of metal’s most respected photographers is described as “a photographic love letter to the iconography of black metal and doom” via “a collection of fine art portraits of women in corpse paint.”
Featuring celebrities, actresses, musicians, and models, this book features women wearing nothing but corpse paint, so if metal and risque is your thing, this is for you. There are various editions, natch, depending on how much you wanna spend.
Buy: $60 – $666 from Rare Bird Lit
Confess: The Autobiography by Rob Halford
One of the greatest metal singers of all time tells all in his memoirs.
Buy: $16.99 (paperback) or $12.99 (Kindle edition) at Amazon
Henry and Glenn Forever and Ever Ridiculously Complete Edition
Rather than go off on how much just knowing Glenn Danzig would be mad at every joke on every page in this book, here’s the official description of this literary masterpiece:
Two men. Two myths. One Legend. The greatest love story every told has finally been released in graphic novel form. This epic tome features twenty short stories about the domestic life of “Henry” and “Glenn” and sometimes their neighbors “Daryl” and “John.” (“Rollins”, “Danzig”, “Hall”, and “Oates” for the uninitiated.) The saga of Henry and Glenn is a true testament to the power of love to overcome even the biggest, manliest egos of our time. This ridiculously complete edition collects four serialized comics, the trade paperback, the original 6×6″ book, and adds stories, pin up art, and full color covers from the original series.
Buy: $19.95 from Microcosm Publishing
Orange Micro Dark Terror 20-Watt Tube Preamp/Solid State Hybrid Head
The Orange Micro Dark Terror hybrid electric guitar amplifier head puts great high-gain tones in a simple and very portable package. Based around Orange’s popular Dark series of amplifiers, the Micro Dark Terror offers the same searing gain and tonal versatility as its big brothers, but boasts the same tiny format as the Micro Terror. This mighty mite crams 20 watts into a head about the size of a small lunchbox. If you need a simple-to-use, portable amplifier with huge tones, check out the Orange Micro Dark.
Buy: $199.99 at Amazon
Ernie Ball Electric Guitar Strings
A guitar player can never have enough spare sets of strings, so why not make sure your special person is all stocked up? Make sure you check with them (or do some stealth research) on what their preferred gauge is before buying, because that’s a very personal choice.
Buy: Starting at $17.99 for a 3-pack
A donation to the ACLU made in the name of John Dolmayan, Ronnie Radke, Tommy Vext, or the conservative metal musician of your choice
Because the only thing that feels better than being selfless is pissing off irrational douchebags who watch too much Fox News and make latently or expressly bigoted comments.
