OTHER AWARDS THAT YOU COULD NAME AFTER HEAVY METAL MUSICIANS

Our friend Amy Sciarretto from Noisecreep reports that Birmingham City University (in England, not Alabama) is naming an award after everyone’s favorite heavy metal grandpa: the Ozzy Osbourne Development Award “will be bestowed upon the student that makes the most significant progress on their degree in the Media and Communication/Music Industry degree.” I assume that the Osbourne family donated a nice chunk of change to get the award named after him, but this doesn’t really make that much sense to me. For one thing, I don’t know if Ozzy has really shown any musical development in, oh, the last hundred years or so, and as much as I admire a lot of his past work, you’ll never convince me that the bulk of the credit doesn’t lie with his collaborators – especially given that the dude doesn’t actually play an instrument. And beyond that, fuck has Ozzy got to do with media and communication? If we’re talking about his work with various reality shows and what have you, well, then, shouldn’t the award be named after Sharon, since we have her to thank for Ozzy’s wonderful non-music endeavors.

But whatever. This piece of news got me thinking: what other awards could we name after heavy metal musicians? And so, after the jump, my suggestions for new university kudos monikered in honor of various other members of the heavy metal community.

• The Axl Rose Attendance Award, for never being tardy to or missing a class.
• The Dino Cazares Health and Athletics Award, for outstanding dietary and exercise habits.
• The Varg Vikerenes Tolerance Award, for willingness to tolerate and appreciate the beliefs of others, even when they do not mirror your own.
• The Fred Durst Poetry Award, for an outstanding grasp of the English language and literary theory.
• The Kerry King Politeness Award, for obeying the rule “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
• The Maria Brink Achievement in Feminism Award, for getting people to take note of your work because it’s good, not just because you show a lot of cleavage all the time.
• The Phil Fasciana Truthiness Award, for always being honest.
• The Tommy Lee Safe Sex Award, for excellence in the practice of condoms and other safety measures in the bedroom.
• The Scott Weiland Sobriety Award, for passing multiple random urine tests throughout the term.
• The Jimmy Bower Oral Hygiene Award, for excellence in brushing your teeth and flossing.
• The Frankie Palmeri Originality Award, for outstanding achievement in creating original new works.
• The Shaun Glass Coherence Award, for always making sure that people can understand whatever it is you think you’re talking about.
• The Dale “Rage” Resteghini Turn the Other Cheek Award, for letting other people’s negative opinions of you just roll off your back.
• The Dave Mustaine Sharing and Caring Award, for willingness not to bogart that joint, man.
• The Axl Rosenberg Proofreading Award, for never ever allowing tpyos or grammatical errors to make their way into one’s work, ever.

Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments section below.

-AR