NUTCASES TO PROTEST DIO’S FUNERAL

God hates fags, Dio, and a decent fashion sense.

We’ve been flooded with e-mails this morning from fans who have been outraged to learn that the Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket Dio’s public memorial service on May 30. And while protesting at a memorial service is certainly disrespectful, “outrage” is not the feeling that bubbled up inside of me when I heard the news. Oh no. The feeling was more like… amusement. Why, you ask? Well, because I don’t see how anyone can take these clowns seriously. To wit:

• These people are clearly crazy.
• Their official website is called godhatesfags.com. Other websites they own include jewskilledjesus.com, beastobama.com, and priestsrapeboys.com. Okay, so they might be onto something with that last one, but still. (And, no, I’m not providing active links to these sites; if you’re that curious, type in the URL yourself. But I’ll save you the suspense: themes include how God hates fags and they’re all going to hell, how the Jews killed Jesus and they’re all going to hell, how Obama is a beast and is going to hell, and how Priests rape boys and are going to hell. So at least we’ll all have lots of company.)
• These people are clearly crazy.
• Blabbermouth says that “The congregation is made up mostly of pastor Fred Phelps and his family. The pastor has 13 children, and at least 54 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren.” So this protest is going to consist primarily of 75 inbred nutcases who don’t like condoms and whatever friends they can round up. Somehow, I think the Dio faithful will far outnumber them. Just a guess.
• These people are clearly crazy.
• The above picture of the aforementioned Fred Phelps, which demonstrates that he is clearly not right in the head.
• These people are clearly crazy.
• This flyer for the protest, which enumerates Pastor Fred and family’s complaints against Dio. Reader Tim Sherry, who sent us the link to the flyer, says that he thinks Dio “would find this funny,” and I’m inclined to agree.
• These people are clearly crazy.
• They’re apparently big fans of Godsmack.
• Did I mention that it seems pretty clear that these people are crazy?

So, yes, these are hateful people, and their beliefs are despicable, yes, and they are deplorable, sure, but getting angry because they’re angry seems like a waste of energy. I’m a pretty cranky dude (“No shit,” you say), but I don’t see something on every street corner that makes me wanna organize a protest and make websites about how everyone is gonna burn for their sins – it must just completely suck to go through life being that fucking angry all the fucking time.

And what do they have to be so upset about, anyway? If Dio is already burning in hell (as they claim he is), then, like, what is there to protest? God already got the last laugh already, right?

Unless… say, you don’t think there’s MONEY to be made in being a hateful sonofabitch, do you? You don’t think telling people that other people are to blame for all their problems is a good way to gain power by enlisting the weak-minded as your followers? And it’s not like protesting funerals of soldiers who died in Iraq and famous musicians will get you any media attention. That’s definitely not a good route to try and attract more idiots like yourself. And it’s not like that’s a tactic people have been using for thousands of years. No. I’m sure Fred Phelps sincerely believes every word he says.

Oh well. See ya in hell, Freddy. I’ll be one of the eight-trillion dudes standing over by the stage, rocking out to Dio.

-AR