RATT’S INFESTATION IS TOTALLY GRIKABLE, SPEXCELLENT
You may not have been following the Jesse James-Sandra Bullock saga, so lemme tell ya, it’s like the Tiger Woods cheating scandal on meth. Not to slight Woods, but his Ambien sex with porn chicks/hot sluts thing seems quaint next to James’ carnival of grotesquerie, which allegedly includes sex with a wackjob who dabbles in Nazism and occasional dudebanging. I mean dang! That’s like a David Lynch thriller (lots of terrifying sex) to Tiger’s season premiere of Entourage (lots of douche sex). Plus, James’ wife Sandra Bullock is at the high point of her career after finally not being annoying as fuck in a movie and getting an Oscar for it; what a perfectly timed buzzkill. He probably should sugar her gas tank while he’s at it. Actually, I better shadow Bullock for a few weeks in case she gets horny for crazy revenge sex um drops her purse uh needs friendship and support in this tough time.
If this wild serial cheating/pseudo-sex addiction pattern holds, the next scandal is gonna be nutso. I wonder who’s next. Is it gonna turn out that Johnny Depp likes to put on a Smurf costume and rape mailboxes? Will we wake up one day to the internet splashed with explicit photos of Ronnie James Dio with Rhea Perlman? Are the members of Faith No More going to publicize that I’m responsible for the outbreak of shoe-fuckings that plagued their European tour? Is Ratt spelled with two Ts because those guys are likely to fuck your girl’s TTs, or if I may, her titties? What else is happening right under our noses?
One thing that’s no secret is that the new Ratt record is awesome. That last sentence is sub-Leno, sorry, but Infestation‘s awesomeness is a fact nonetheless: I just said so and MS mega-stud Vince Neilstein concurs again and again. And again. And one more time here. Oh and in the following text messages:
March 18, 04:07 am
Anso, any thoughts on the new Ratt? I fkg love it.
March 20, 01:28 pm
Hey, sorry about your bathroom. Next time, we’ll take the mescaline *then* the acid.
March 27, 11:02 pm
Look, just tell the police that you checked her ID first. Bail $$ in ten mins.
March 31, 09:16 pm
Did you put something in my drink before? All of the sudden my body is like wrrggeeee haa721~~~;;;;;;;;;;;;
Ahem anyway, it may seem that my Ratt-related credibility is zero ’cause I love Detonator and half of the self-titled 1999 album (including this gem). However, since I acknowledge that those records are way tepid and also that I like wimpy shit, my credibility kinda survives but only on a technicality. Cuz there’s that difference between good music and enjoyable music, filet mignon and Doritos, the virgin and the whore, Kobe and Lebron, and so on. Luckily, I won’t have to make coded apologies for loving Infestation cuz it’s great and likable. It’s totally grikable.
-ADF
