THE BLABBERMOUTH HEADLINE GAME: TESTAMENT EDITION

I love Blabbermouth cuz it rules and it’s easier than actually going through my inbox and the bajillion press releases therein. Not only is it informative, but my stars, the entertainment value as well! Taunting sub-retards in the comments section is a Wednesday well-spent. Or if you’re the studious type, try to count how many headlines contain the words “Mustaine” and “forgive” and “David Ellefson.” Oh speaking of headlines, I think we all have played “The Blabbermouth Headline Game,” where you cycle through that little teaser box and marvel at its hilarious delusional bullshit. Let’s see, there’s usually a “Fanless Band Schedules Reunion Show” and a “Win Passes To Guns N’ Roses Guitarist Book Signing.” Those are beauties.

Then you’ve got the deceptively funny stuff, like“Band Wants to ‘Return To Our Roots’ On Sophomore Album“ or “MACHINEHEAD Frontman: ‘Our New Record Is Literally Gonna Rip Your Head Off and Shit In Your Mouth’.”

One step beyond those are headlines that seem to have reached us from distant planets, where up is down, black is white, and Leno is funny (oh zing!): “L.A. Guns Books European Tour With L.A. Guns“ and “Motley Crue Singer Opens, Closes New Restaurant.”

Though, I gotta say that some Blabber-headlines are embarrassing for everybody. Try not to cringe when reading “Really Overproduced Band’s Acoustic Radio Performance: Video Available.” Ugh! And how about pathetic attention beggary like “Annoying Deathcore Band Apparently Can’t Handle Vicodin, Misplaces Hideous Guitarist.“

Of course, we all cherish drunken antics, with bonus points for accompanying legal action. Again, Blabbermouth delivers, boyeeee! Remember “SCOTT WEILAND Passes Out Headfirst Into Presiding Judge’s Crotch?” Oh oh and my favorite: “Report: ‘JANI LANE Belched The Last Two Choruses of ‘Down Boys’ at House of Blues Tonight’.” Memories, right?

But dudes seriously, all that shit pales in comparison to a humdinger from Wednesday night. This shit is out of control. It made me cough up half a steak sandwich onto my lap. OK here it is check it out: “TESTAMENT Frontman Interviewed In Boise.” Lolz x 1000! Boise! That’s the internet for ya, folks! What’s next, “THE SCORPIONS Schedule American Apparel In-Store?”

No, but seriously, if I were Testament’s publicist, when that interview request came in, I’d be like “What? A interview request for the Boise show? Are you fucking with me? Is it for some kind of school project? Actually, let’s book it! Just tell Chuck it’s for charity.”

-ADF