Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: The Bifrost Bridge Convenience Store Incident
This column is part of our continued re-imagining of Beavis and Butt-Head as Viking gods. Don’t get it? Neither do we, honestly.
SCENE—The Bifrost Bridge Convenience Store located at the busiest intersection of the 9 Worlds. The store is sparsely decorated and illuminated by the sparkling, multi-colored light of the ethereal rainbow inter-dimensional thoroughfare that lies just outside the store. Aisles full of snack food products run through the middle of the room and refrigerators line the walls.
The shining Gjallarhorn, which will be blown to announce the coming of Ragnarök, rests upon an iron stand atop the check-out counter beside the cash register. HEIMDALL, the shop’s proprietor and owner of the Gjallarhorn, stands behind the cash register. His medium length brown hair is parted down the middle and he wears a short-sleeve, buttoned-down, pale green shirt.
ODIN and THOR loiter in the back of the shop beside the drink-dispensing machines, slurping from giant plastic cups full of mead-slush. They wear their usual attire of gym shorts and band t-shirts.]
ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh.
THOR: Heh heh. Hmmmmmm.
ODIN: Huh huh huh. This mead slushy rules.
THOR: Yeah yeah! Heh heh hmmmmm heh heh hmmmmm hmmmmm.
[The door to the Bifrost Bridge Convenience Store opens and SIGYN enters wearing a tank top and tight jeans.]
ODIN: Huh huh. Hey Thor, check it out, isn’t that Loki’s girlfriend that just came in?
THOR: Heh heh heh. Yeah. Hmm. Hmmmm. She’s hot. Heh heh.
ODIN: Huh huh. I’d, like, totally do her. Huh huh huh.
THOR: Heh heh. Yeah, me too! Heh heh heh. Hmmm. Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Why’s she talking to Heimdall?
ODIN: Because she’s buying a pack of cigarettes, numb nuts.
THOR: Oh yeah, heh heh.
[An ugly, olive green car speeds into the parking lot and stops just outside the shop entrance, blocking several parking spaces and scaring ODIN’s wolves that are tied up near by. The driver’s door opens and LOKI steps out. He has thick blond hair and wears a pair of sunglasses and a blue mechanic’s shirt with the sleeves ripped off. A tattoo stating “Ragnarök Rules” is visible on his left bicep.]
LOKI makes a threatening gesture towards ODIN’s wolves. The wolves whimper as LOKI enters the shop.]
ODIN and THOR [simultaneously]: Whoa…
ODIN: Dude, it’s Loki.
THOR: Heh heh. Yeah. He’s cool.
LOKI [to SIGYN]: Hey, babe, you ready to go or what?
SIGYN: Just a minute, Loki, I’m buying my smokes!
LOKI [menacingly to HEIMDALL]: Hurry up and give her her change, man, I ain’t got all day!
[HEIMDALL silently glares at LOKI as he works the cash register.]
ODIN: Huh huh. Loki’s cool.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Heh heh. Loki’s cool. Heh heh heh.
[LOKI turns and sees ODIN and THOR staring at him.]
LOKI: Hey! What are you two girls looking at?!?
[ODIN and THOR continue to stare directly at LOKI].
THOR: Hey, hey, Odin, I think he noticed us!
ODIN: Huh huh. Yeah. Cool. Huh huh.
LOKI [raises his voice]: I said ‘what are you girls looking at?’ Do you want me to come over there and kick your sorry little asses all the way back to Ginnungagap?
THOR: Whoa! He did it again! Heh heh. See that—he’s talking to us! Heh heh.
ODIN: This is cool.
LOKI [starts walking towards ODIN and THOR]: Okay that’s it, I warned you.
THOR: Heh heh. He’s coming over here, Odin! He’s coming over here! What do we do? What do we do? Hmm.
ODIN: Just try to be cool, dip shit.
[LOKI steps in front of ODIN and THOR who continue to stare at him, doe-eyed and star-struck.]
LOKI: I warned you idiots!
[LOKI yanks the mead slushies from their hands, dumps the contents on their heads, and then physically assaults them. THOR makes a high-pitched “aaahhhhh!” sound.]
LOKI: How do you like your little kiddie slushies now, you ass-wipes?
ODIN: Uhhh…it, like, never tasted better.
SIGYN [from beside the cash register]: Loki, what are you doing over there with those losers? I’m ready to go now.
[HEIMDALL mutters to himself and goes into the store’s back room to look for something.]
LOKI [to ODIN and THOR]: If I ever see your dumb faces in here again, I’m going to blood-eagle the shit out of both of you.
[LOKI turns around and marches back towards HEIMDALL’s counter where SIGYN is now standing with her arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.]
ODIN: Huh huh. That was cool.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Hmmmm. That was cool. Heh heh heh.
SIGYN: Hey, you ready to go now, Loki?
LOKI: Yeah, babe, let’s get out of here.
[LOKI stops and looks at the Gjallarhorn. He shrugs and picks it up. He puts his other hand around SIGYN’s waist and together they walk outside. LOKI sets the Gjallarhorn in the back seat of his car and then he and SIGYN both get in the front seats and drive away.
HEIMDALL emerges from the back room and looks at the empty space on the counter where the Gjallarhorn had been.]
HEIMDALL: Goddamnit. I take my eyes off it for one second and look what happens.
Follow Rowdy Geirsson on Twitter and check out his new book, The Scandinavian Aggressors, an offbeat odyssey into the freezing heart of the modern Northlands that features delightful and illuminating episodes about enslaved leprechauns, beheaded mermaids, elite warrior sisterhoods, deranged Swedish fishermen, craft-beer-brewing zombies, dysfunctional Finnish metal bands, and perverted trolls.
