UNINFORMED SPECULATION ON WHO WILL PLAY OZZFEST 2010

So apparently Ozzfest is coming back this summer, and is coming back as a traveling tour again (as opposed to the one-off fest it was in 2008). And that’s all well and good, only… who’s gonna be on the bill?

Mayhem, which is basically Ozzfest 2.0, has already scooped up a lot of big-name bands for the summer, including many who have played multiple past Ozzfests – namely Korn, Rob Zombie, Lamb of God, Atreyu, Shadows Fall and Hatebreed, the latter of whom I think have been on something like 90% of all Ozzfests ever.

Add to that other Ozzfest alum like Chimaira, In This Moment and Norma Jean, and some bands the kids today all seem to like, such as Winds of Plague and They Who Shall Not Be Named, and, well, that’s a whole bunch of potential mainstage and second stage draws right there.

Then there’s the mini-fests like Summer Slaughter. I can’t tell you which bands we already know are booked for some of these tours without betraying a lot of people’s confidence, but I can tell you that some great bands are now no longer available for Ozzfest.

And, oh yeah, Megadeth, Slayer, and Testament are now doing their American Carnage tour in the summer, so they’re out.

So who’s left? After the jump, I’m going to play my favorite game: it’s called “over-think about something incredibly unimportant.”

Before we proceed, it’s worth noting that I’m going to try and be semi-realistic when moving forward with some barely-educated guesses about who’ll be playing Ozzfest. If a band already has summer tour dates booked, I’m going to assume they’re not avail, although I acknowledge that they could cancel those dates in favor of playing for a bigger crowd. And I’m not even going to bother with bands like Pig Destroyer, Sigh, and Salome – bands that will play Ozzfest right around the time Joey Belladonna’s solo band plays four sold-out headlining shows at Giants Stadium. Also, obviously not all of these bands are gonna end up on the bill – these are just bands I think could end up there.

And so, without further bullshit…

• FIREWIND: Well, duh. Gus G. is Ozzy’s new guitarist. This band will be on Ozzfest for sure in the Black Label Society spot – either headlining or co-headlining the second stage (which is what I would do if I were them) or opening the main stage. This is a sure thing.
• YOUNG DEATHCORE BANDS: There are way too many of these to name, but if Ozzfest is trying to look hip again, it will populate the second stage with Oceanos and and other groups that have never met a breakdown they didn’t love. The only problem might be that some of these bands are on labels that don’t have a history of coughing over the buy-on money it sometimes to takes to get on one of these tours, but maybe that’ll change this year.
• ARSIS: This would be a very good band to have on the second stage, and if it wins Arsis some new fans, I’m all for it.
• MUTINY WITHIN: This strikes me as a pretty good bet for an asscrack of the morning second stage slot – Roadrunner obviously has a history of launching bands that way, and MW just seem like an Ozzfest band, don’t they?
• BLACK LABEL SOCIETY: This would be an incredible show of good will from the Osbourne camp. I think it would also make things incredibly awkward for Gus G.
• SEVENDUST: On the one hand, a second stage slot would be a good move for Sevendust, who have a new record to promote, and it would probably a good financial move for Ozzfest, who have tickets to sell. On the other hand, Clint Lowery told us that 7D dropped off the initial Mayhem a few years back because the fest’s contract prohibits acts from playing the same market for X amount of time on either side of the Mayhem performance date – and my impression is that Ozzfest has similar requirements for its artists. So who knows.
• ANY NUMBER OF BANDS THAT PLAYED MAYHEM LAST YEAR: Behemoth, Trivium, God Forbid, The Black Dahlia Murder, Job for a Cowboy, All That Remains – their records might not be brand new, but a lot of them are still touring behind them, and they’re all name-y bands. Might as well add Disturbed, Mastodon, DevilDriver, and Suicide Silence to that list, ’cause why not?
• ANTHRAX: Back in the day it seemed like Charlie Benante and Scott Ian were whining to Metal Sludge about not being to get on Ozzfest. But it might actually be a smart move for Ozzfest. Bonus: if John Bush can get his other band on the bill thus allowing him to tour with both bands at once, that would be sweet (but will never happen).
• FEAR FACTORY: Of all the bands I’m writing about here, the only one that strikes me as more of a sure thing is Firewind. What a smart move this would be for Ozzfest. With Dino back in the fold and everyone but me thinking that Mechanize is the tits, the band’s first big U.S. tour is gonna be an event (or will at least be sold that way). Are these guys big enough (no pun intended) to play the main stage? I dunno, but one way or another, I think they’d put some asses in the seats.
• DISTURBED: They’ve already played the main stage twice and, despite my prayers, are a big draw.
• SLASH: He has a new solo album coming out that Ozzy sings on, and this could be a good way to make sure people under the age of thirty actually pay attention to its release. Velvet Revolver did Ozzfest back in ’05 I think.
• LIMP BIZKIT: I’m terrified because I think this could actually happen. And then we’d have to make the decision of whether or not to cover this tour in spite of their presence, because even if we were doing interviews or napping on the lawn when they played, we’d be surrounded all day by people who really, really like them.
• CREED: Just throwing it out there. Ozzy and Sharon could get much richer just by deliberately making this the shittiest tour of 1998. Having said that, if there was some universe in which Creed and Limp Bizkit were on the tour, well, I could actually really get behind that – ’cause if memory serves, Freddy and Scotty had a public bitch-fight some years back after their cycles aligned and one of them criticized the other one’s Manolos. And I could definitely be entertained all summer long by watching those two morons trade barbs in the press.
• FAITH NO MORE: Would Mike Patton completely refuse to do this on principal alone? Who knows, but booking FNM would be one way to ensure that a lot of people who might otherwise never go to Ozzfest suddenly cough up the coin.
• UGLY KID JOE: Okay, so this would never really happen, but surely I can’t be the only one pining for a UKJ reunion? I don’t even care if they play “Everything About You” or whatever. I just wanna hear some Menace to Sobriety shit.
• ARTISTS THAT WOULD BE A HUGE DRAW BUT WOULD WANT TOO MUCH MONEY AND DON’T NEED TO DO THIS TOUR: Metallica, Tool, Axl Rose.

Okay, your turn. Who’d I miss and why am I wrong?

-AR