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...And F*ck You Too Metal Predictions 2021

41 Metal Predictions for 2021

  • Axl Rosenberg
0
  1. There will be no major tours.
  2. The new Megadeth album will be delayed until 2022.
  3. Wayne’s World 3 will be announced.
  4. The new Carcass album will be delayed until 2022.
  5. Jered Threatin will play his most well-attended show ever.
  6. The new Exodus album will be delayed until 2022.
  7. Without any major social media platform from which to shout patently absurd lies, everyone will once again forget that Trapt ever existed.
  8. There will not be a new Metallica album.
  9. The void left by the idiot from Trapt will be filled by the idiot from Nelson.
  10. There will not be a new Ozzy album.
  11. At least one MetalSucks reader will utter the phrase “Alexa, what’s Nelson?”
  12. There will not be a new Guns N’ Roses album.
  13. Mike Portnoy will re-join Dream Theater.
  14. There will not be a new Dream Theater album.
  15. John Petrucci will unveil a new line of pube-grooming products.
  16. There will not be a new Slipknot album.
  17. Chris Holmes will fall tragically short of his crowdfunding campaign goal.
  18. There will not be a new Ghost album.
  19. At least one MetalSucks reader will utter the phrase “Alexa, who is Chris Holmes?”
  20. There will not be a new Rammstein album.
  21. Marilyn Manson, now completely out of ways to try and shock people, will just say “Fuck it” and become an outspoken conservative.
  22. There will not be a debut album by Kerry King’s Slayer-Pantera-Exodus hybrid.
  23. John Dolmayan will remain the fourth-most-popular member of System of a Down.
  24. There will not be a Mudvayne reunion.
  25. Kid Rock, upon turning 50, will finally drop the “Kid” from his name.
  26. There will not be a Tool EP.
  27. The year’s most popular viral video will be some guy covering Metallica in the style of Tool covering Slipknot in the style of System of a Down using “vocals” culled from audio clips of some random redneck doing something rednecky.
  28. Wintersun’s Time II will not be released.
  29. Wintersun will successfully launch a crowdfunding campaign for Time III.
  30. There will not be a new Bleeding Through album.
  31. Someone will be like, “Hey, remember Joey Jordison? Whatever happened to that guy?”
  32. There will not be a new At the Gates album.
  33. Vince Neil will be drunk.
  34. There will not be a new Poppy album.
  35. MetalSucks readers will realize it’s not a typo when we write “Burton Seabell” instead of “Burton C. Bell.”
  36. There will not be a new Meshuggah album.
  37. Ted Nugent will accidentally shoot himself while cleaning his rifle and suffer severe brain damage; no one will notice any discernible difference in his behavior.
  38. Gojira’s Sea Shepherd EP will not be released.
  39. Dope will put out a chopped and screwed remix album entitled Mope.
  40. No one will successfully sue MetalSucks.
  41. Hellraisers: A Complete Visual History of Heavy Metal Mayhem will sell at least one more copy.
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