SARUMAN JUST WANTS TO BE THE LORD OF THE ROCK

I’ve enjoyed the work of 87 year-old master thespian Christopher Lee as much as the next dude. I mean, who hasn’t marveled at his performances in films such as Curse III: Blood Sacrifice, Meatcleaver Massacre, Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch, or Gremlins 2: The New Batch? The man is a legend.

But we’ve been flooded with e-mails about the news that Mr. Lee (Who, oddly enough, is the only British actor over the age of 80 who hasn’t been knighted. Weird.) has recorded a symphonic metal concept album, Charlamange. And while we respect his gifts as a performer of some of the greatest works of dramatic literature ever conceived, the apparent excitement over his foray into the world of metal is unwarranted. Because the music is terrible. I mean, it sounds like SNL was trying to do a parody of bad symphonic metal, only they weren’t even capable of coming up with anything funny, and so they made this instead. This, which is just ridiculous. This, which makes me wonder if this could truly be the same man who once so lit up in the screen in Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.

You have shamed your name, Christopher Lee. Nerds judge you. NERDS CONDEMN YOU, GOD DAMN IT! You’ll never be a knight now, you pecker clot.

-AR