Four Times Metallica Had No Business Winning the Best Metal Performance Grammy

The Grammys are completely meaningless. But every time we write about them, you idiots click on the article. Other things to which you dummies respond: lists and Metallica.

Thus, in anticipation of this year’s ceremony — which will take place this Sunday, January 26 — we decided to take a look back at the six times Metallica won the Grammy for Best Metal Performance… at which point we realized that four of those wins were complete and total bullshit. I mean, yeah, Metallica infamously got screwed over when they lost the Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance Vocal or Instrumental category to Jethro Tull in 1989, but to say they’ve since been WILDLY overcompensated would be an understatement on par with “Some people didn’t enjoy Lulu.”

Don’t believe us? Peep this:

“Stone Cold Crazy” (1991)

That Metallica won for a Queen cover is already ridiculous. But when you consider who they beat, you’re likely to become so mad that you’ll wanna use a Grammy statue to beat yourself to death:

• Anthrax – Persistence of Time
• Judas Priest – Painkiller
• Megadeth – “Hangar 18”
• Suicidal Tendencies – Lights…Camera…Revolution!

Pardon the pun, but literally all of these other releases are stone cold classics. If you’ve ever had the chance to listen to any of the other nominees and chose to put on Metallica’s “Stone Cold Crazy” instead, you should probably break your own fingers as a reminder to, like, not do that. “Stone Cold Crazy” may not be the worst release for which Metallica will ever won (we’ll come to that in a moment), but it’s barely even a footnote worth mentioning when measured against its competition.

“Better Than You” (1999)

“Better Than You” is probably one of the better songs on the two Load collections, but that’s not saying much. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, the band has never even played the song live, despite it garnering this “prestigious” “honor.” Truth be told, most of the nominees that year were nothing special — the RATM song is from the 1998 Godzilla soundtrack, fer fuck’s sake — but holy FUCK, that this beat “Du hast” is ri-goddamn-diculous.

• Judas Priest – “Bullet Train”
• Nashville Pussy – “Fried Chicken and Coffee”
• Rage Against the Machine – “No Shelter”
• Rammstein – “Du hast”

“St. Anger” (2004)

This is the single worst release for which Metallica have won. Again, none of that year’s nominees were exactly A-list material (Spineshank?), but none of them contained the lyric “You flush it out, you flush it out,” so there’s that. Shit, I think Korn’s music blows goats, and I’d still argue they deserved the win over Metallica.

• Korn – “Did My Time”
• Marilyn Manson – “Mobscene”
• Spineshank – “Smothered”
• Stone Sour – “Inhale”

“My Apocalypse” (2009)

Did you know that Judas Priest have NEVER won this fucking award? I know “Nostradamus” wasn’t necessarily their finest hour, but still, give those dudes a fucking break already. Sheesh.

• DragonForce – “Heroes of Our Time”
• Judas Priest – “Nostradamus”
• Ministry – “Under My Thumb”
• Slipknot – “Psychosocial”

Feel free to disagree with my assessment of things in the comments section. But just know up front that you’re wrong if you do. Dipshits.