Necessary Roughness, Week 11: Myles Garrett is Not a Good Guy

Another bonkers week is in the books. The 49ers suffered their first loss last Monday in a thrilling OT game against the Seahawks, Colin Kaepernick got a bizarre tryout and Myles Garrett tried to kill a guy! And that all took place before Sunday…

Browns 21 – Steelers 7: It’s been four days since this happened. I have nothing to add, except this third hand account from an anonymous source of mine that tells me Myles Garrett is an asshole:

Ravens 41 – Texans 7: After last week’s sloppy blowjob of a post, I’ll keep this brief. The Ravens defense absolutely harassed the hell out of DeShaun Watson. SEVEN SACKS! Poor DeShaun. I’m REALLY hoping for a Ravens/Chiefs AFC Championship Game. Wouldn’t that be the tits?

Colts 33 – Jaguars 13: After back to back defeats at the hands of the Steelers and (Jesus) the Dolphins, the Colts have Jacoby Brissett back and are not only back on track, but they’re actually now in the lead in the AFC South. They are tied with the Texans at 6-4 and have a 3-0 divisional record. It’s a shame Quenton Nelson’s TD didn’t get to stand because the O-line’s celebration is obviously the best so far this season. No one even touches it.

Bills 37 – Dolphins 20: I’ll forgive you for skipping this one. I only write about it to bring you this: apparently Adam Archuletta forgot to pack a tie for the game so he had to run out in a panic and get a “$30 tie” Sunday morning. He relayed this story as if 30 bones was some peasant amount of money to spend on a shitty piece of fabric that would get a total of 18 seconds of screen time Sunday. I guess Spero Dedes has a mustache and in an attempt to dunk on Adam’s shitty tie, this happened:

Patriots 17 – Eagles 10: This game saw the Eagles jump out to a 10-0 lead, Tom Brady throw a career high number of incompletions in the first half, and just all around shitty play from the Pats in a cold and windy game. Then, after halftime, Belichik worked his magic and snuffed out Philly once and for all. I always imagine that at halftime Belichik gives his entire team that drink that Egg gives the group in Big Trouble In Little China right before the boss fight.

Fantasy Pimp of the Week: I’m gonna take this opportunity to recognize Josh Allen. The anonymously named QB for the Bills was on FIRE yesterday. 256 passing yards and three TDs in the air to go along with 56 rushing yards and another TD on the ground, hot damn!

Allen hasn’t thrown a pick since Week 5! For as much as I like to shit on the Bills, they might actually have some impact on the playoffs this year. This is the first time they’re 7-3 since 1999! Let’s check in with #billsmafia to see how they feel about things.

Stray Observations:

• Anyone else notice the sound effect used on CBS during the Eagles/Patriots game? It was like every time they came back from a replay or highlight they added this whacky BONK noise. It was also really poorly timed. “Let’s take another look at that… Yeah definitely a touchdown. Alright, back BONK! to the live action.” WHY?
• I don’t know that I was totally wrong about Nick Bosa being the difference maker last Monday… But HOLY SHIT Jadaveon Clowney is playing himself into a monster contract. If Gettleman has a single cell left in his brain he will throw all the Giants cap space at him this offseason. Of course now that I wrote that, he’ll probably trade Saquon Barkley for a lifetime supply of mayonnaise instead.

• Atlanta is fucking up! They were all set up to get a nice pick, fire their coach and start over next year. Now, they’re pulling a Dolphins with back to back upsets and doing it with the alarmingly high margins against division rivals. This token try-hard phase is not a good look, dudes.
• I feel negligent that I haven’t been keeping tabs on Scorigami this year. So here they are so far:
  • Oct 27: SF 51 – CAR 13
  • Oct 6: HOU 53 – ATL 32
  • Sept 29: CLE 40 – BAL 25
  • Sept 29: TB 55 – LA 40
  • Sept 8: BAL 59 – MIA 10
• If you don’t know what Scorigami is, watch this video.
• What’s everyone’s take on the Kaep tryout? What was the NFL’s motivation here? I first assumed it was some court-mandated thing from their settlement with him back in February, however the fact that Kaep’s camp were blindsided by the offer makes me think it wasn’t? The timing was sooooo nutty. Did the NFL just take it upon themselves to throw him a bone for some reason? The whole thing stinks and again Kaep comes out looking better and even stronger. Roger Goodell and The League cannot not fuck up everything they touch. They are perpetually tripping on their own dicks and stepping on rakes they planted for other people. Why dredge this up at all? The only saving grace is that the president is too busy getting impeached to send out a deranged tweet about it.
• Here’s the best football related video I watched on YouTube this week. Chart Party is always a treat, but this one is above and beyond:

The Number Twelve Looks Like You will be hitting the road again in a couple weeks to support our new release Wild Gods. If anyone wants to throw down on some EDH or try to watch some NFL, please get in touch – my instagram is probably the easiest way!

11/29 Chapel Hill, NC – Local 506 https://bit.ly/2pKUAzD
11/30 Atlanta, GA – Masquerade https://bit.ly/2pIOqQy
12/2 Orlando, FL – Soundbar https://bit.ly/2W7TPg5
12/4 New Orleans, LA – Howling Wolf https://bit.ly/2Jquk4y
12/6 Fort Worth, TX – Tomcats Wes thttps://bit.ly/2MH0WJh
12/7 Houston, TX – Secret Group https://bit.ly/2MRyN29
12/8 Austin, TX – Come and Take It Live https://bit.ly/2JvNOov
12/9 San Antonio, TX – Paper Tiger https://bit.ly/31LlXXk
12/10 El Paso, TX – Rock House https://bit.ly/342uO8y
12/11 Phoenix, AZ – The Rebel Lounge https://bit.ly/35W9Vhc