ROCK OF LOVE, EPISODE 6: TOUR BUSES AIN’T THE ONLY THING THE WINNER’S GONNA RIDE

Okay, okay, let’s get it out of the way: my assertion that you can figure out who the eventual winner of Rock of Love will be by looking at the Buddy TV website turned out to be dead wrong. There, I said it. Let’s just move on to this week’s episode, okay?

So what was up with this week’s contest? A series of challenges and obstacles designed to show Bret which girl was most fit for life on the road, the tasks seemed mostly designed to show which girl would make the best roadie – I mean, setting up a guitar and amp? Digging through the garbage to find Bret’s favorite guitar pick? And do we really believe that any of Bret’s bitches have ever had to change into their slutty outfits in a Porta Potty? I mean, okay okay okay, I know that really none of the challenges the girls have been forced to overcome these past few weeks have been, in any way, shape, or form practical or useful, but this was really pushing it; it’s not totally inconceivable that one of them might have to someday have phone sex with Bret, but I can’t imagine a time, ever, when Brandi M. might have to literally leap over literal hurdles for her man.

No matter; it was, at the very least, highly entertaining. Watching that bitch Lacey rummage through filthy, disgusting garbage, only to lose and be left covered in shit only slightly less filthy than her natural self? Heather losing the plug-in-the-amp challenge to Mia because it never occurred to her to plug in the fucking amp (in all fairness, Big John had to tell Mia to do this, too – but really, fuck Heather)? Seeing the better part of Sam’s ass as she tried to leap around in just about the smallest, sluttiest outfit ever? Priceless.

And let’s talk about Sam for a second. The more I watch her, the more I realize she is just my type of crazy – and Bret’s, too, if the amount of shit he’s willing to put up with for her is any indication. After finally cutting loose during Bret’s birthday celebration (her pole dancing, by the way, was laughably bad, but Bret dug it nonetheless), she got jealous when the scheming whores known as “Heather” and “Lacey” start grinding up against her man. Bret then found her in some state of weeping on not one but two separate occasions, and Sam was only too happy to talk about her trust issues (and how a previous break-up left her on Prozac!) and how she found it hard to get to know Bret while other bitches were rubbing their poons all over his leg – but when Bret asked her if she wanted to leave the house, she said “no.” And this, my friends, is the tell that Sam uses her “issues” to get attention from men – all her drama was just a ploy to suck Bret in. Given his apparent unwillingness to boot her out on her ass, it would seem that Bret likes the thought of fixing a broken down car even more than your neighborhood mechanic, if you follow me. In any case, the Bret/Sam storyline is quickly turning into the only convincing “love story” on the show (or maybe it’s not and that just says more about my own feelings about women like Sam); certainly more so than anything we saw during his private date with Brandi M. after she won the episode’s roadie-relay race.

So Sam is safe for now – as is Lacey. While Bret was at a hockey game making out with Brandi M., Lacey “found a note” from Bret instructing the other girls to make a list of the reasons each chick should be booted from the house (at first, I have to admit, the idea seemed so stupid that I was positive it was another one of Lacey’s hair brained schemes, but, nope – the show’s producers really are just that callous). Needless to say, this led to lots of bickering, but most of the hostility at the table was directed at Lacey, who seemed to be right on the verge of losing her temper (Still, Lacey and Heather got the best dig, reminding everyone that Brandi’s nick name back home is “Blow Job Brandi.” Of course, we all know that she has put that skill to good use for the pleasure not just of the men she fellates, but the men at home watching on the internet, too). But even after all the girls reported to Bret about how insincere Lacey is, prompting him to realize that she’s been the cause of most of the house’s drama, he still refused to kick her out (probably for the very reason she should be kicked out – don’t forget, kids, bitches at one another’s throats = high ratings). All the other girls (save Heather) have now gone on record as saying they’d like to murder Lacey, and I, for one, hope that that is how the show ends: with Lacey falling a hail of machine gun fire as all her competitors smoke her ass.

ANYWAY, soon it was elimination time, and it probably surprised no one that bland Mia, punk Jes, and scary haired-Heather all found themselves safe for the time being. That just left manly Magdalena, to whom, Bret confessed, he felt no connection (which, as far as I can tell, means he was bummed that when he moved her hand to his lap during a heart-to-heart, she didn’t offer to give him a hand job). And as much as we’ll miss Magdalena’s funny accent and baritone voice, we gotta say: how the fuck did she last this long?

Next week: has Lacey’s time finally come?!

-AR