Scare Tactics: Was Black Metal a CHRISTIAN RECRUITMENT TOOL?!?!?!

For over two decades, black metal has been the last holdout of true Satanism in metal, never abandoning its love of blasphemy and the Devil.

AND IT’S ALL A LIE. A series of leaked documents have recently shown that the Norwegian black metal boom of the early 1990’s was actually started as a way to RECRUIT TEENAGERS TO CHRISTIANITY. That’s right, your spiked gauntlets are actually HEAVENLY SHACKLES, and your corpse paint is in fact the HOT WHITE MONEY SHOT OF JESUS.

A series of memos unearthed by private investigator Reggie Caliente shows the Norwegian government communicating with secret agents Oystein Aarseth (Code Name: Euronymous), Gylve Nagell (Code Name: Fenriz), and Christian Vikernes (Code Name: Varg). The mission: start a fictional youth movement based on satanism that would cause such a negative reaction as to steer teenagers in the opposite direction, towards Christian morals.

Here’s an excerpt from a memo titled ‘Project: Kvlt – Basics Tenets’, dated September 26th, 1989:

The documents go on to say that the Norwegian government’s plan fell apart only when Agent Euronymous, having lived too deeply undercover for too long, went AWOL and actually adopted the black metal “philosophy”. Agent Varg was then forced to take him out in a CHRISTIAN HIT JOB.

Once black metal had a life of its own, the Norwegians began losing control of their own people, as indicated by this debriefing transcript from 1996:

M: And how have the assets been progressing?

P: Oh, it’s awesome. Someone played me some early masters of this new Emperor album, and it’s going to be killer.

M: [with agitation] Killer? Agent P, are you implying that you have been indulging in black metal?

P: [with anger] Oh, fuck off, [name retracted], you don’t still believe those Christian fairy tales, do you? Life is war, dude.

M: Let it be shown that Agent P has been compromised.

P: Compromise this, you sniveling– [recording terminated]

DON’T LET THE OBSIDIAN WOOL BE PULLED OVER YOUR EYES! When you take part in black metal culture, you are being tricked into joining a carefully-manicured lifestyle created solely so that PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

If you want to stop being a tool to recruit Christians try adding the following to your black metal lifestyle:

• Push-ups
• Daily showering
• Clothing that is comfortable depending on the weather.
• The occasional Simpsons quote.
• A nuanced understanding of political context and race relations.
• Melody
• Legible lettering

SO TREAD LIGHTLY, BLACK METALLERS! Only by rejecting this aesthetically-narrow lifestyle and focusing on getting laid can you escape the clutches of the CHRISTIAN BLACK METAL CONSPIRACY!