ROCK OF LOVE, EPISODE 3: AT LEAST THESE DOLTS HAVE PORN CAREERS TO FALL BACK ON
Amid reports that Scarlett Johansson will play porn star Jenna Jameson in an upcoming film, I was also pleased to discover (finally!) that not one, but two of the Rock of Love girls have careers in the “adult film” industry. So which girls are willing to, uh, take it on the chin for their paychecks? I’ll give you a hint: they’re both named Brandi.
It’s a good thing, too, because whatever VH1 is paying these twits to act like the total morons they are on television, I don’t imagine it will last as long as some porn cash.
The tasks the girls must perform to win dates with Bret continue to be completely ridiculous – this week, they were split into teams and asked to complete an off-road motorbike race. So while the winners – Sam, Magdalena, Brandi M. and Rodeo – all got to go off and slut it up with the Poison frontman, the losers all got to retreat back to the house to let the cat fights continue.
And I gotta say, while last week I commented that Lacey’s Machiavellian plans to get all the other girls booted out of the house weren’t very clever, this week, I realized that it didn’t matter – “clever” ain’t what it takes to fool someone as feeble minded as Bret Michaels. Lacey’s latest ploy – picking a fight with the animal-hating Dallas, continuously poking her in the face with her finger and grabbing her ass (even as she was commanded to stop) in hopes that Dallas would punch her and therefore get sacked – actually worked. Dallas showed surprising restraint – she only pushed Lacey a little – and finally, it took the physical intervention of Rodeo (who is more of a man than I’ll ever be) to put a stop to the brawl-in-the-making (“I man-handled that bitch!” Rodeo gloated in what is easily the best moment of the series so far).
Any person with half a brain would’ve reacted by immediately having Lacey removed from the premises – but Bret Michaels doesn’t have half a brain. So even after Rodeo and Brandi M. told Bret that Lacey was “out of control,” he chose to keep her in the house and let Dallas go – because he felt a “stronger connection” to Lacey (he even admitted that she was crazy, but he liked that). Meanwhile, Bret also outsted Kristia (and Brandi C. started crying over the loss of her “best friend!”), meaning he’s now gotten rid of the two most traditionally slutty-sexy girls in the house – just because they’re not that interesting to talk to (Hey, Bret, you of all people should know – you don’t keep these kind of chicks around for their conversational skills).
But what about the dates? The winning four were split into two more easily managable groups. Rodeo is now the only girl in the house to win a date with Bret two weeks in a row, but personally, I found her time dual date with Bret and Brandi M. more than a little boring; while I realized that Rodeo is kinda sweet the way your aging aunt is kinda sweet, she also talks too much and looked HORRIFYING in the custom made bikini Bret had made for her (“Every woman’s dream,” he called the swimsuit). Of course, Brandi M. barely looked better in her duds (butt crack and all), as I suddenly realized why I never really liked this girl even though she seems a little smarter than most: she looks like a little boy. More specifically, she looks like my grade-school rival, Michael Stout. So, uh, we need to get rid of her ASAP.
Now, the romantic night-time date with Sam and Magdalena – that was good television. Yes, my girl Sam was wearing a sleeveless Pantera shirt, and while she came across as kind of a dolt (she seems horrified that Bret might not be monogamous – what fucking show did she think she was on?), I found her initial unwillingness to kiss Bret in front of Magdalena and the camera crew kind of sweet, and her refusal to go to his bedroom downright appealing – one of the girls isn’t a total slut! And it’s the one who likes Slayer! I knew Sam was a winner. No wonder I wanted to sock Bret in the mouth when he grabbed Sam by the back of the neck of forced her to kiss him – it might’ve been creepier if the kiss hadn’t lasted for like five minutes, and if Sam didn’t clearly love every second of it. Still, I have a feeling that she’s in for a world of heartbreak – eventually, this guy is gonna search elsewhere for the trim she’s not giving him.
Until next time…
-AR
