60 Things to Bring to Glenn Danzig’s 60th Birthday Party
Holy shit, Danzig is sixty. That’s right, today is the 60th birthday of the Misfits and Samhain crooner, the king of melodramatic Milton-quoting erotica-penning Lord of Darkness. Here we are, worrying about turning fucking thirty when that dude has spent three-score years pulling on pleather pants and showing the masses how the gods kill.
So obviously we’re throwing a party. Oh man, there’s gonna be a cake shaped like a go-go dancer in bad lingerie, a round of Pin The Tail On The Only, the works. But as you know, Danzig can be, uh, particular about how he’s treated, so we want to make sure no one shows up with anything that would cause them to get sued, shoved, or accused of being a fascist.
Here’s our registry. Please make sure to bring one of the following:
- Motherfucking bricks, bitch – 100 pk
- French onion soup – Case of 12 cans.
- Devil’s Food cake – 1 large
- Fresh Step kitty litter – Case of 4 large boxes
- Fresh Step gift certificate – 5 (Glenn likes to go shopping for his own)
- B12 Vitamin Shots – 10 pk (maybe bring more than one in case of death bug)
- Smoke machine – 1
- Riding dragon – 1
- Pocky – 12 pk
- “Sixty is the New Forty” Mousepad – 1
- Cantaloupe flavored Hi-Chew – 1 box
- Fishnet shirts – 24 pk
- Polyester athletic shirt, black, size x-small – 12 pk
- Sweat wristband, black – 12 pk
- Jeans, black – 7 pairs
- Lifts, black – 1 pair
- Hair dye, black – 1 bottle
- Mascara, black – 1 bottle
- Aviator glasses, black – 1 pair
- Training bra, black, size x-small – 7
- Jockey boxer briefs, black, – 4 pk
- Vintage leather coat, black, size x-small – 1
- Stainless steel iron cross necklace – 1
- Chest hair grooming kit – 1
- Danzig logo belt buckle – 1
- Original copies of Crystar: Crystal Warrior – As many as you can find, for immediate destruction.
- Scale that weighs items in Danzigs – 1
- Vinyl clawed gloves – 12 pk
- Vinyl tails and horns for fly honeys – 24 pk
- Revised copies of X-Men movies with Hugh Jackman made less gay – 1 box set
- Copy of Were-Naxis! – 1
- Personalized legal documents – Box of 20
- Andropause: The Complete Male Menopause Guide by Brady Howard – 1, autographed copy
- Maintaining Your Sideburns by Jerry Burnside – 1, autographed copy
- Danny Marianino’s book – 1, autographed copy
- Danny Marianino Inflatable Punching Bag (deflated for safety) – 1
- Jerry Only Inflatable Punching Bag – 1
- Kerry King Inflatable Punching Bag – 1
- Stress balls – 40 pk
- Erotic statuettes – 5
- Erotic nipple eye attachments – 10 pk
- Erotic waffle iron – 2 (please only buy the ones shaped like demon women)
- Spanking paddle – 2 (wooden only, please)
- Ball gag, black – 1
- Streamers, black – 8 pk
- Whole pig for roasting on a spit, organic if possible – 1
- Women with fake breasts, minimum size 34DD – 1 harem
- Black and white greasepaint – Case of 10 bottles
- This picture of Glenn – As many as can be carried.
- Tin foil hat – As many as are needed to block out The Illuminati.
- The Warlock’s Handy Guide to Spells and Curses – 1 copy
- Tom Neely’s Henry & Glenn Forever – 1 copy
- DVD of The Prophecy II – 1 copy
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Vol. 1 – 1 copy
- Hollywood Undead’s Swan Songs – 1 copy
- All of the members of Born of Osiris
- Framed Danziggy poster – 1
- Stage, large – 1
- Actonel – 1 refillable prescription
- Destruction of the entire internet
