AT ALL COST EXCLUSIVE TOUR DIARY: ENTRY #1
Today we are thrilled to present to you the first in a series of MetalSucks exclusives featuring a tour diary from At All Cost bassist CleanBobby, updated from the road. Oh, the wonders of the Interwebs! What follows is pure hilarity, and includes lines such as this: “Seriously, I might sound like an old man here, but I’ve seen about a billion two-toned, Labyrinth-era Bowie hair-don’ts on this tour. WTF, was there a conference at the YWCA advising girls to look like Ricki Lake in Hairspray? I remember the good ole days, when girls were…ya know…pretty.” Click through for more.
Welp, I suppose I should start by mentioning that I drinks a bit. So the following road tales may not have happened in this particular order…or at all. Actually, I ‘d rather start by saying that you LITERALLY just typed this to me:
“I was actually on my way to see TOOL, which was about the best fucking show ever. holy christ. they have a full on laser show… unbelievable!” Haha, that one statement has inspired me to launch www.metalsucksdotnetsucks.net.
Anyshit, about 1 week into the ODTW [One Dead Three Wounded] tour, I manned up and got “Holy Crap” tattooed on my knuckknucks. Three days later I lose my glasses in the GD ocean. Thank you Vero Beach and your wave ferocity. From what I recall, I was in Ybor city a few days later and convinced that I had an infected spider bite eating away at my hip. It looked like an asshole, complete with oozing shit. SO, I went to the ER. Spider bite? NOPE! Two cases of Staff infection, Cellulitis, and Glaucoma. The whole kit and kaboodle for dirty dudes. Who knew that doing push-ups in the dumpster could fuck you up???
Moving on, Let me tell you about drinkin’ and druggin’. I’m for it, and seeing as I’m nobody’s daddy or rolemodel, I can say that. There haven’t been a lot of drugs on this tour on my behalf, I’m an uppers man, surrounded by downies. However, I’ve consistently drank heroic levels of booze. Oh, some F-in kid gave me a weed brownie in Illinois. I probably moved a total of two inches during our set that night.
We all make fools of ourselves. You were with me the night I drunkenly got engaged via text messaging. My tour “game” is lame at best, so I’ve been known in the past to have lower standards than most. Swampdonkeys, dude. A lot of ’em. I’m not talking about you Beth, You’re the Cat’s Ass!
16 yr old girls at our shows…Let’s PLEASE talk about that. It has come to my attention that any good looking girl (of legal and consensual age) with the ability to move away from these smaller towns, has and have instructed their younger, less attractive sisters to bug the shit out of me. Seriously, I might sound like an old man here, but I’ve seen about a billion two-toned, Labyrinth-era Bowie hair-don’ts on this tour. WTF, was there a conference at the YWCA advising girls to look like Ricki Lake in Hairspray? I remember the good ole days, when girls were…ya know…pretty.
So we’re staying at our buddy, Robbie’s house in Memphis. He has 7 Dachsunds, one of which looks to be the 1st dachsund. He’s pretty fat for a small dog and his weiner drags in the dirt when he walks…leaving a trail of shame.
hugs and kisses,
-CleanBobby
[Visit CleanBobby on MySpace]
