For What are Metal Musicians Thankful?

As you are no doubt aware, dear readers, this Thursday is Thanksgiving, in which Americans gorge themselves to deal with the pain of being surrounded by family members. As part of the annual tradition of celebrating the genocide of the Native Americans via the consumption of Turkey, everyone is supposed to concentrate on those things for which they are thankful (e.g., “I’m thankful I’m not a Native American.”).

But for what are metal musicians and bands thankful? I’m totally speculating here, but if I had to guess, I’d guess that…

Jay Weinberg is thankful for singing telegrams.

Richie Faulkner is thankful for retirement.

Kerry King is thankful for waffle fries.

Ian Watkins is thankful for Babymetal and Unlocking the Truth.

Babymetal are grateful that they weren’t murdered by the giant Jew monster they met in the U.S. recently.

Phil Rudd is thankful that he doesn’t have Tim Lambesis’ lawyer.

Maria Brink is thankful for Photoshop.

Old Man Gloom are grateful that they got away with it.

Coal Chamber are grateful that they still manufacture JNCOs in 2014.

Samus Paulicelli is thankful for flatulence.

Michael Keene is thankful for ultra strength gas relief pills.

AC/DC are thankful for creatures of habit.

Steel Panther are grateful for penicillin.

Vincent Castigilia is thankful that Margaret Cho’s flow isn’t very heavy.

Marilyn Manson is thankful that anyone remembers who he used to be.

Rings of Saturn are thankful for David Lee Rothmund.

Aaron Lewis is thankful for teleprompters.

Queensryche are thankful for investors.

Thy Art is Murder are thankful for youthful naïveté.

Dave Mustaine is thankful that I almost made it through this whole post without mentioning him.

Dave Grohl is grateful for Dio.

Dave DeFeis is grateful for velcro.

Every bassist is thankful for Glenn Fricker.

Black Sabbath are thankful that we were only kidding about Manowar.

Ebola is thankful that it’s not Nickelback.