Coal Chamber Announce New Album; Billions Across the Globe Contemplate Suicide

Last week, Coal Chamber teased some big announcement that they were gonna make on Monday, and everyone naturally assumed it was a new album. But when Monday came and went and there was no announcement, I thought we’d been spared; maybe some studio engineer had decided to do the right thing and martyr his career by destroying the hard drive containing all the new recordings or something.

Alas, as it turns out, the band was just operating on HST. This morning my time (EST), they made the following announcement:

“Napalm Records is pleased to announce the signing of Los Angeles, California’s COAL CHAMBER, a band that stood as leaders at the forefront of new genres, constantly reinventing their sound and not fitting any mold except their own. With sold out tours, and millions of records sold, COAL CHAMBER owned the Scene from the mid nineties until their tumultuous breakup in May of 2002. Now they have returned to take their place at the top where they once were and intend to be there for years to come. Call it what you want, ‘The Return’, ‘The Second Coming of’, but no matter what you call it, be prepared COAL CHAMBER to rule again.”

I’ll call it “a tragic fucking disaster” is what I’ll call it. We’ve all been worried about the Ebola virus spreading throughout America, but the real threat has been in rehearsal and recording studios in California this whole time. Fuck my life. Fuck ALL our lives.

“More info regarding the new album will be revealed soon,” the press release concludes threateningly. Brave Studio Engineer, if you’re reading this — it’s not too late! You can still be the Bruce Willis to Coal Chamber’s asteroid the size of Texas! You can still make the heroic sacrifice which will save the planet! Do it for Liv Tyler. Do it for all of us!!!