99 Other Things Besides Headless Guitars That Vik Guitars’ Vik Kuletski Can No Longer Appreciate or Utilize On Account of Homosexuals
Yesterday, we learned that Vik Guitars’ founder, Vik Kuletski, has declared that he doesn’t like headless guitars because they’re used by Cynic’s Paul Masvidal — who, along with the band’s drummer, Sean Reinert, recently discussed what it’s like to be gay and a part of the metal scene… the first time either musician had done so publicly.
Since Kuletski has now set a precedent of writing off any item used by homosexuals just on principle, there are an awful lot of things from which he is now going to have to abstain. That’s a rough break, but we appreciate that the luthier is standing by his principles! So to help Mr. Kuletski out, we made this list of other things frequently used and/or enjoyed by homosexuals, none of which will be at his disposal any longer, lest he have any overlap in taste preferences with gays and therefore be mistaken for a gay man himself. That list is as follows:
- Acoustic guitars that are not headless
- Amplifiers
- Drums
- Drum sticks
- Drum pedals
- Drum stools
- Cymbals
- Guitar picks
- Guitar strings
- Guitar pedals
- Guitar chords (strummed)
- Guitar chords (plugged in)
- Bass guitars
- Clean vocals sung by a man
- Clean vocals sung by a woman
- Death metal vocals
- Vocoders
- Stages and/or any area designated for the use of performers to entertain or address an audience
- Audiences
- Dressing rooms/green rooms
- Stairs
- Elevators
- Doors
- Windows
- Sound boards
- Sound mixers
- Concerts
- Concert promoters
- Music venues
- Band managers
- Booking agents
- Publicists
- Security guards
- Bartenders
- Catering and caterers
- Merch people
- Band merch
- Clothing in general, including footwear and undergarments
- Tour managers
- Guitar and drum techs
- Microphones
- Stage lights
- Tickets (physical or otherwise) and all other items denoting clearance for entry into an event (wristbands, hand stamps, passes, etc.)
- Record labels
- Record vendors (physical)
- Record vendors (online)
- Music videos
- Computers
- Anything related to the internet
- The word “cynic” and all variations thereof (e.g., “cynical,” “cynicism,” etc.)
- Death (the band)
- Death (the cessation of life)
- Any and all means of modern transportation, including but not limited to cars, buses, planes, trains, and walking.
- Gasoline
- Stretches
- Meditation
- Birds
- Head hair
- Facial hair
- Haircuts and shaving
- Language (verbal or written)
- Any object with which one might write or draw (pens, papers, markers, crayon, feces, etc.)
- Marijuana
- Clocks/watches
- Hugs
- Kisses
- Handshakes
- High fives
- Low fives
- Indoor plumbing
- Outdoor plumbing
- Soap and/or shampoo
- Deodorant
- All kinds of paper including toilet and tissue paper
- Tooth brushes
- Tooth paste
- All medicine save for leeches, which we can safely bet gays are not currently utilizing for medical purpose… however, should we learn that any gay men or women have an affinity for leeches, they will be added to this list immediately.
- Electricity
- Eyes
- Arms
- Hands
- Fingers
- Mouths
- Tongues
- Noses
- Ears (and sound in general, but once Kuletski cuts off his ears, that might be less of an issue)
- Penises (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
- Vaginas (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
- Anuses (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
- Muscles
- Bones
- Flesh
- Blood
- The sun
- The moon
- The stars
- Food
- Water
- Oxygen
So, basically, Kuletski is fucked. GODDAMN HOMOS RUINED EVERYTHING!!!
