BOARD TO DEATH: Korn

Today we introduce a new column here at Metalsucks.net, “Board to Death,” in which we examine – and by “examine,” I mean “poke fun at” – what obsessive fans are saying on various band message boards. Today we begin with our most favoritest band, Korn.

Over on the Korn message board, a fan calling him or herself Alkaholik187 has started a delightful thread entitled “Is KoRn hard or not, Just a question.”

BuShPuPpEt0 replies: “bwhahahahah you’re an ass. and yes they are.” That’s some interesting insight, BuShPuPpEt0.

R3Dirkulous goes really in-depth by declaring “compared to every band in general (the rock genre) hell yes they’re hard. compared to old korn, no, they are a little bit softer but hard none the less. Not that the newer hard songs arent as “hard” as older korn stuff, there is just less “hard” to go around . but who knows, maybe the next cd will be the hardest yet, it all sounds good to me.” Ah, the smiley face with the tongue sticking out. Just like Lester Bangs would’ve used. I’m glad R3Dirkulous spent so much time really thinking about it before posting an answer.

Kornonthekob, who easily has the best user name on the entire message board, compares Korn to his youth in Provincial France: “I think they are but they have got older and you mature with age like cheese and wine,” before later changing his or her answer to “put your hand in jons pants and find out.” Oui, oui, Kornonthekob!

alytee123 takes a more tolerant, less low-brow approach to the topic: “Korn are gay I dont like gay people who are hard in my presence.”

Kornonthekob (welcome back, old friend!) subsequently replies “I have never had a gay person who is hard in my presence. Hope i never will either.” Wow. I did not know you had to be a member of MENSA to be a Korn fan!

Finally, a rocket scientist known as n30n01 concludes the conversation: “fuck yah they have, even with david and head bein gone, they still fuckin poundin away and they sound really fuckin amazin doin it, they still KORN to me and i love what i have bought, i have bought everythin so far, (cept for bsides, rarities and imports and box sets etc cuz lack of mulah) but…what i have bought has been so priceless to me and even now of course, still priceless. very very happy with what i have, just…want more!!! lol” n30n01, by the way, turns out to be a 36 year old woman, and she even provides a link to her MySpace page, which I strongly encourage you all to visit.

Until next time, I bid you adieu…

-AR