TOP FIVE THINGS I CAN’T COMPREHEND TODAY

1. The box office success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Doesn’t it seem like this movie should just be some kind of Darwinian trick – like anyone who buys a ticket is automatically deemed too stupid to live and is consequently immediately shot in the head?
2. The virus-like spreading of the Valley Girl accent to women all across America. This is why the terrorists hate us. These women’s tubes should be involuntarily tied (with no anesthesia) to prevent the furthering of their wretched species.
3. Fucktards who think it’s okay to hold the fucking elevator fucking door and have a conversation with a friend when there are other people on the elevator who presumably want to get wherever they’re going. I think I should be allowed to kill their families while they watch.
4. This asshole. His point is…?
5. Anyone not loving Death. ‘Nuff said.
   

-AR