BLACK METAL BRUNCH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM DREX

YOU SPUN AROUND THAT FURIOUS SUN AGAIN, AND HERE YOU ARE, HYSTERICAL, MISERABLE, BUT ALIVE, ANOTHER PRECIOUS #CHEMICALTRICK, SET IN MOTION BY LUST, MADE SENTIENT BY ADAPTATION, AND CURSED WITH THE ILLUSION OF FREEDOM, WHOSE GOLD FOILED VENEER IS CHIPPING OFF, REVEALING THE FLIMSY PARTICLE BOARD BENEATH. YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THE ILLUSIONARY CRUTCHES THAT PROP UP CRIPPLED SPIRITS. #SHOW SOME #FORRESTGUMPTION, AND CAST OFF YOUR RESTRAINTS. RUN HOWLING TO THE VOID WITH A KNIFE BETWEEN YOUR TEETH—OR AT LEAST A PLASTIC ONE UNTIL YOUR MOLARS EMERGE. NO, I’M NOT SURE WHEN THAT WILL HAPPEN. FOR MOST PEOPLE IT HAPPENS AFTER THEY ARE BORN AND BEFORE THEY DIE. #YOUHAPPYNOW? DENTOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS ASIDE, I AM NOW BOUND TO SAY #HAPPYBIRTHDAY #SHEILA. I WISH I COULD SAY IT WON’T GET ANY WORSE, BUT AT THE LEAST, I CAN PROMISE YOU YOULL NEVER #TURNNINE AGAIN.

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME, BEFORE THE CAKE ADORNED WITH YOUR FAVORITE #CARTOON CHARACTER  -THE ONE WHO YOU IDENTIFY WITH EVEN THOUGH SHE IS MUCH MORE #INTERESTING, #THOUGHTFUL, AND DARE I SAY #WORTHY OF AFFECTION THAN YOU—TO TELL YOU IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT

A NOT #INSUBSTANTIAL PORTION OF YOUR LIFE ALLOTMENT IS ALREADY LOST.  GONE. MAYBE SQUANDERED, MAYBE SPENT, BUT GONE. #SORRYCITY. #DEALWITHIT. #ANDYOUHAVENTEVENLEARNEDFRACTIONS.

WHAT YOU’LL CONTINUE TO FIND GALLING ABOUT THIS ARRANGEMENT, IS THAT EVEN THOUGH LIFE IS THE ONLY TRAIL THROUGH WHICH TO GLEAN ANY MOMENTARY SATISFACTION, YOU’LL FIND IT #BECLUTTER’ED WITH THE #BOULDERS, #BEARSHIT AND #DORITOSWRAPPERS OF THE #INFERIORS. THE HUMAN SEARCH FOR JOY AND TRUTH IS TANTAMOUNT TO A WEE NAÏVE BABE CRAWLING ON A CARPET AND REACHING FOR A BALL, ONLY TO BE HELD BACK BY 10 MILLION NAZIS.

TO WHIT- HERE’S YOUR FATHER WITH A BOX CONTAINING THAT #OFFBRAND TOY YOU DON’T WANT. FOR YOU, THIS CRUDE PIECE OF DIGITIZED PLASTIC WILL NOT BE, #ASADVERTISED, A “PORTAL TO IMAGINATION AND KIDERRIFFIC EDUTAINMENT.”  THINK OF IT MORE AS A TALISMAN OR OTHER #MYSTICSYMBOL, INNURING YOU TO THE REPEATED AND EVER BLOSSOMING DISAPPOINTMENTS OF LIFE. I AGREE, YOUR PARENTS FAILED YOU. I COMMEND YOUR STOMPING.  BUT I PROMISE IF YOU WENT BACK FOUR YEARS, WHEN YOU COULD BARELY FORM MEMORIES OR ANALYZE SITUATIONS OR URINATE IN A TOILET, YOU WOULD FIND THAT THEY HAVE BEEN FAILING YOU ALL ALONG, DISTORTING FACTS TO THEIR BENEFIT, MANIPULATING YOUR EMOTIONS BASED ON CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE, SAYING THE PIZZA MAN IS SLEEPING, WHEN IN FACT HE IS WIDE AWAKE, WAITING TO GIFT YOU THE PIZZA THAT PROVIDES HIM HIS ONLY LIFE’S SATISFACTION! NO, YOU CAN’T KILL THEM, AND I CAN’T DO IT FOR YOU, EVEN AS A GIFT, FOR YOUR FATHER PROVIDES ME WITH EMPLOYMENT. MY SUGGESTION IS MENTALLY FILE YOUR #HATE, WAIT UNTIL ADOLESCENCE, GET #TONGUERING #TUBETOP, #GOTOMALL AND GET #BOYFRIENDINCOMMUNITYCOLLEGE. YOU’LL MURDER THEM WITH WORRY.

AND DON’T #CRY. DON’T YOU DARE LET THESE ASSHOLES SEE YOU CRY. SUCK THE #WEAKNESS LEAKS BACK INTO YOUR #EYEHOLES! #IMMEDIATELY! YOUR DRESS IS PRETTY IF YOU SAY IT IS, #COUSINJENNIFFER CAN MELT IN A #VATOFACID, #JUMPOFFACLIFF, #BLOWHERBRAINSOUTHERNOSEINTOATISSUE.

GOOD. NO TEARS. NO SMILES. #TRUENORWEGIANSTEEL. YOUR GUMPTION AND EQUIPOSITIONATE RESOLVE IN THE FACE OF TRIALS RECALL A #STALWARTSAMURAI, MEETING A TSUNAMI #EYETOWAVE, KNOWING HIS CLANSFOLK WILL DROWN IN ITS GURGLING RUSH, OR SURVIVE ONLY TO STARVE IN THE SALT FALLOWED FIELDS WHERE THEY ONCE TOILED, HUFFING THEIR LAST BREATH ON THEIR BACKS, THEIR DISTENDED BELLIES POINTED SKYWARDS AS NEIGHBORING CLANS OF OPPOSING BANNERS SLIT THEM OPEN, TO STARE LIKE GIANT RED EYES WEEPING AT THE IMMENSITY OF THE SKY.

YOU REALLY ARE TAKING THIS #MILEMARKER ON THE CRACKED ROAD TO OBLIVION LIKE A #MAN. I COMMEND THOSE WHO HAVE HABITUATED YOU TO BURDEN. I SENSE AN ADAMANTINE RESOLVE, AND GREAT TOLERATION OF SUFFERING IN YOUR CHARACTER. THIS ICE CREAM WILL ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER!

AND #NO, #LILLADY, I DID NOT BRING YOU A PRESENT. YOUR FATHER IS MY SUPERVISOR, AND AS SUCH THAT WOULD BE ROBBING PETER TO PAY PAUL.THOSE TWO #CONMEN INFLATED THE VALUE OF A MILLION SLAVES AND EXTORTED THEIR DIGNITY. AND ANYWAY, LIFE IS IT’S OWN GIFT. SO CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR GIFT IS MORE  #LIFEGRUEL, OR OTHER SIMILAR, BLAND, TASTELESS EMPTY BEIGE SUBSTANCE, WHOSE MOST SALIENT CHARACTERISTIC IS ITS SUCCESS AT CROSSING THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM THRESHOLD FOR QUALIFYING AS SOMETHING RATHER THAN NOTHING. #DELISH. #SLURPITDOWN.

ANOTHER YEAR OLDER ANOTHER YEAR WISER. #EVERYYEAR, SO #ITISSAID, WE BUILD CAPACITY AS WISDOM RECEPTACLES. YOUR WISDOM SACK ENGORGES AS YOU AGE, DISTRIBUTING ITS WISDOMIC OVERFLOW, THAT EVER APPRECIATING TREASURE OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE, INTO SOFT TISSUE, GLAND, AND BONE. LOOK AT YOUR #GRANDFATHER THERE, PERHAPS HIS WISDOM IS IN THE FOLDS OF HIS WRINKLE WROUGHT EYE SKINS. LOOK AT YOUR #MOTHER, STRAINING A SMILE CLEANING UP #COUSINJENNIFFER’S MESS, PERHAPS HER WISDOM IS COLONIZING THE ZIGS AND ZAGS OF HER LEGS’ (NOT TOTALLY UNARROUSING) VARICOSED VEINARIUMS. LOOK AT YOUR #GREATAUNT OVER THERE IN THE WHEELCHAIR, HER WISDOM IS SO GREAT IT’S OBSCURIUNG HER VISION WITH MILKY GREY CATARACTS, HER WISDOM IS SO POWERFUL IT HAS MUSHED HER BRAIN, DECIMATED HER COGNITIVE SKILLS, ERASED OR JUMBLED HER EVERY MEMORY. SHE HAS SO MUCH WISDOM HER BONES ARE NO STRONGER THAN CONSTRUCTION PAPER, SO FULL OF KNOWLEDGE SHE NEEDS HELP TO GET TO THE TOILET, SO PACKED WITH WISDOM SHE’S TOO HEAVY FOR OUR WORLD, AND WILL SOON SINK BENEATH IT, UNDER OUR PLAIN OF VIEW, INTO THE DIRT, INTO OBLIVION.

-DV

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