Love Bites: Virginity, Boundaries, and Possessiveness with Stormi Maya

What’s up metalheads?! My name is Stormi Maya, from the band Cinnamon Babe, and I’m here to answer all your relationship and love questions. After all, metalheads need love too right?

Well, I’m here to make you feel heard. Hopefully through this column, I can guide you through the rough patches and confusing situations that love, sex, and intimacy can bring. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been collecting questions from people of all walks to life to get to the heart of their issues and draw from my own experience to hopefully give the best advice I can.

Of course, a lot of people on the internet are just horny and looking to get nasty in the replies, but if you have a serious question or need advice, email me at [email protected].

So without delaying things anymore, here’s our very first batch of questions:

“I am a 27 year old virgin, am I too old to still be a virgin?“

Virginity is a personal journey. There is no such thing as being “too old” to lose your virginity. It is up to your comfort. Do not rush this experience for social stigma or peer pressure. More than ever we are living in a hyper sexual society and with our music and media being so sexually fueled, being a virgin makes you feel like an outsider of a really exclusive club. But having sex is a huge decision that so many minimize.

Sex comes with a lot of responsibility like pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and emotional attachments. If you have waited this long, there must be a reason. When the time is right, you will know.

And remember this: 27 is still very young. You have plenty of time to have sexual relations.

“Is it okay that my girlfriend has a girlfriend?“

Well , this is not as simple as a yes or no. If you’re comfortable with your girlfriend having a girlfriend then of course it’s okay. This boils down to consent, relationship boundaries, and whether you’re strictly monogamous or polyamorous.

Now, let’s take it back to day one of your relationship. Was it ever discussed that you would both be open to multiple partners? If not, that’s a red flag. Before introducing something like a new partner, the two of you should’ve had a conversation about boundaries and if you’re comfortable with adding new people in the mix. It’s not fair to add a new partner without the two of you having a conversation beforehand.

Couples practice polyamory all the time. Polyamory, or consensual non-monogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. The key word there is consent — if you did not consent to having an open relationship, then your girlfriend has disrespected your boundaries and this should be addressed.

There is nothing wrong with having multiple relationships, as long as all parties are aware and happy with the arrangement. Polyamory should never be put onto someone against their will. Let’s say hypothetically you’re unhappy with this arrangement and your girlfriend refuses to stop seeing someone else. I feel this is grounds for breaking up and moving on, as you’re seeking different goals — you wanting strict monogamy and they want multiple partners. Monogamous people can date polyamorous people, where the monogamous partner will strictly date one person only but allows their polyamorous partner to date others, but this must be consensual and agreed upon by both partners.

“I’ve been married to my wife for nine years, together a total of 19 years. Her father passed away a few years ago and now she spends two days a week with her mother. I feel very lonely without her, I want my wife by my side, but I don’t want to break her mom’s heart. Should I just suck it up or do you have another idea?”

Let me start off by saying that I am sorry for your loss. My heart aches for your wife. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things to go through.

As for your question, we have to realize that we do not own our partners. They have lives and loved ones outside of us. We cannot be selfish with them and we have to understand that they have obligations and connections with other people in this world. Your wife is being there for her mother in what’s very likely to be a period of darkness and loneliness.

Keep in mind that she’s only gone two days out of the week, so maybe you can use those days to do something for yourself. You could maybe pick up a hobby on those days, work on yourself, hang out with your buddies, read a book… really the possibilities are endless. It’s healthy for spouses to have time apart. You’re an individual person that needs to learn to sometimes be content alone — if you can’t, then that’s probably a bad sign. Your wife already lost one parent, so let her embrace the time she has left with her mother.