Marty Friedman Got Back on His Bullsh*t by Ranking U.S. Cereals

Former Megadeth guitarist Marty Friedman is a passionate guy. He’s passionate about guitar. He’s passionate about the guitar solo. He’s passionate about Japan. But perhaps most of all (probably not, though), he’s ridiculously passionate about cereal.

I’m not even kidding — you may not remember this, but he hit the internet with a 240ish character screed on how Cap’n Crunch sucks these days. Seriously, find someone who will fight for you as hard as Friedman’s probably willing to fight whoever it is that’s running Quaker Oats Company.

In a bid to drum up excitement for his solo album, which honestly shouldn’t need too much effort to get hyped over, Friedman took up his massive spoon and bowl to draw a line in the sand. These rankings from a guitar master are final: no ifs, ands, or buts about it. A single social media post from Friedman has since settled the debate.

Equipped with his own data after getting a buncha American cereals shipped to him in the Land of the Rising Sun, here’s Friedman’s rundown:

“As many of you know, I love cereal! I’ve been lucky lately to have a massive shipment of tons of cereal from back home in the US, and since there is no one to rant to about this in Japan (cereal is NOT even a thing here) I’m going to bend your ears and let you know what iI think of each of these cereals I’ve had lately.

“PLEASE tell me what you think of this and WHY you think so many have changed, while some have THANKFULLY stayed the same. Industry gossip welcome!! It’s a dark mystery to me….let me know what you think!!”

• CAPN CRUNCH They changed the texture and the taste, for the worse. Not horrible but why mess with a CLASSIC? 6
• PEANUT BUTTER CEREAL same as above, but worse 6
• LIFE Not changed much but never was so great in the first place 5
• APPLE JACKS Who ruined this? Cinnamon and apple flavor gone and they are smaller and harder than ever. Bastards 3
• HONEYCOMB Way better than it was several years ago, but still not nearly as big and fun with its unique texture as it was when their slogan was “Honeycomb’s big, big big big” 7
• FRUITY PEBBLES Thank you God. It’s remained in its former glory! 10
• LUCKY CHARMS Still great! Either it is as good as ever, or they have been ever so slightly cheapening it over the years, barely noticeable. 10
• CHEX (Corn,Wheat,Rice) This is the WORST offender of all. What used to have a great taste and an irresistible texture, has gone to complete crap. I assume this is what dog treats taste like. WTF seriously. Do you know even one person making Chex party mix now? WHO IS BUYING THIS? Tasteless cardboard -10
• HONEY SMACKS Kelloggs should be ashamed. What used to be exactly the same as the legendary Super Sugar Crisp is horrible now, like those fake cereals at the corner liquor store that come from countries you never heard of. 3
• CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH Pretty awesome. Did the texture used to be lighter and better? 8
• CORN POPS (ex SUGAR POPS) Pretty good, but pieces are smaller and harder than they used to be. 8
• COCOA KRISPIES The chocolate taste now is so cheap, it’s like that crappy nameless chocolate you get at Halloween, the last thing you finally eat of all your stash after the good stuff is gone. 2
• REESE’S PUFFS Pretty good. 7
• FROOT LOOPS Something is fishy about it, like they cheaped out on the texture ala APPLE JACKS but still pretty good 7
• SPECIAL K This used to be the BEST non-sweetened cereal, with super light texture. Now it’s hard and has some crappy aspartame-like sweetener caked on it. Does anyone have any inside scoop on why Kellogg’s is ruining all these classics? 3
• MINI-WHEATS This tasted like brillo pads back in the day, and the same now, but not terrible. 6
• FROSTED CHEERIOS Excellent! Great sweet flavor in a deceivingly healthy looking box. 9

“For a completely unbalanced experience while pondering this important topic, and sharing your opinions with me, listen to the first track, ‘Illumination’ from my upcoming album, Drama.”

My condolences to anyone working on the brands that scored so low. Your only hope now is to be transferred to the teams working on Fruity Pebbles or Lucky Charms. Especially you Chex folks…

In the meantime, you should preorder Friedman’s solo album Drama today so you can make sure you get it when it releases on May 17.