American Presidents and the Metal Bands They Would Have Liked

Federal and state offices are closed, every major store’s got an appliance sale on, and nobody really knows why — ah, yes it’s President’s Day. With this being an election year that’s totally not going to be an abject shit show involving two insanely old white dudes, we decided to imagine an alternate scenario where all of the historical leaders of the free world were into metal.

Keep in mind that the political views of the presidents and the bands they like may not align, but it’s not all about politics, right? Separate the artist’s politics from the art and whatnot. So take a moment and learn which president you’d likely jam out with.

George Washington

We start with the O.G. If this George Washington were a metalhead, you know he’d be all about the genre’s founding fathers because he was there at the start. He may be an elder statesman in the pit, but you bet your ass he’ll have some awesome stories about seeing Led Zeppelin, Blue Öyster Cult, or Deep Purple in concert. He’s been following Judas Priest since the early 70s and knows way more of Steppenwolf’s catalog than “Born to Be Wild.”

Thomas Jefferson

As the author of the Declaration of Independence, our second president is a natural wordsmith. With that in mind, he appreciates a band with an advanced vocabulary and an extensive knowledge of literature. You can catch him lounging on a swivel chair jamming out to Clutch, Blind Guardian, and Rush to name a few hard rock and metal bands he’d have on rotation.

Andrew Jackson

Born in the American south, our seventh president Andrew Jackson is a southern metal/groove metal devotee. Dude just lives for the riff, so naturally he’s a big Pantera fan. After spending a lot of time in Louisiana during the War of 1812, he found even more metal down in the bayou. As a result, you can regularly see him sporting a Goatwhore, Exhorder, or Eyehategod shirt.

Franklin Pierce

Much like his time in office, 14th president Franklin Pierce regularly tells anyone within earshot that you wouldn’t know much about the bands he enjoys. He tends to say real gatekeeper-y, elitist shit like “oh, they’re an underground band, you wouldn’t know them” with a smug air about him. But that’s because he’s just super racist, hates that slavery was abolished, and is actually super into Burzum and NSBM.

Abraham Lincoln

Known throughout history as the man that reunified the country following the Civil War, as well as the president that ushered in the end of slavery as our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln’s metal tastes are a little varied. On one hand, he’s a huge fan of bands that speak to the African-American experience, so Fever 333, Body Count, and Zeal & Ardor are on repeat. He also likes a good reunion, so he can’t help but jam out to KISS, Creed, and Dream Theater from time to time.

Teddy Roosevelt

Ever the fan of nature and its conservation, 26th prez Theodore Roosevelt would naturally be a black metal fan. That being said, he’d be way more into North American black metal, so Panopticon, Wolves In The Throne Room, and Agalloch are on heavy rotation. He’s also a big Blackbraid fan, which makes sense since he served with Native Americans in the Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Ever the fan of military history, our 36th president Dwight D. Eisenhower is a big fan of epic sounding metal that deals with conquest and victory. Sure, he was worried about the military industrial complex, but he can’t help but jam out to Iron Maiden, Manowar, Sabaton, Ex Deo, and bands in that vein.

Ronald Reagan

Considered by many to be the president that ushered modern conservatism and its focus on “Christian family values” to the highest halls of power, America’s 40th president Ronald Reagan has an iffy connection to metal. That being said, he naturally likes Stryper, Norma Jean, and Phinehas because he sees them as a way to pull other metalheads back from Satan’s clutches.

Bill Clinton

There’s no way to mince words here. Bill Clinton had to have been a huge party bro in his formative years, so he likes any an all bands that prioritize having a good time with hot chicks above anything else. So that means he’s got hair metal on repeat at all times. One of his favorite pastimes is attending Steel Panther concerts because they talk about fuckin’ and you have a real good chance to see some titties.

George W. Bush

Though their political ideologies are different, George W. Bush shares similar tastes in metal with Bill Clinton, but for different reasons. While Slick Willie is out there listening to metal about getting some stanky on his hangdown, G. Dub loves his 80s hair metal because it reminds him of his cocaine cowboy days. Throw on some Poison and America’s 43rd president is liable to start searching for a bump.

Barack Obama

As America’s first African-American president, Barack Obama’s a huge fan of both Rage Against The Machine for their political stances against racial injustice and Body Count because come on — Ice T’s the frontman. And while he’s gotten into Fever 333 and appreciated the metal meets hip-hop sound of nu-metal, he began branching out to different metal genres near the end of his second term. These days, you’re just as likely to find Children of Bodom, Amorphis, and Horna on his playlist after commending Finland for their ties to metal.

Donald Trump

Though he may be one of the most controversial and divisive presidents in American history, but Donald Trump’s tastes are least likely to rock the boat because he only likes super popular, successful, and wealthy bands. He also really digs Kid Rock and Ted Nugent. And he’s a really big fan of Tim Lambesis and Slaughter to Prevail for some reason… Finally, he’ll buy anything with a hot chick on the cover or in the music video, so naturally he’s a huge Mötley Crüe fan — at least those guys could probably grab a girl by the pussy back in the day and get away with it.

Joe Biden

We’d like to say we know what bands current president Joe Biden likes, but it’s all a little blurry. We know he only likes super old bands and he can’t be bothered to keep up with modern metal at all. When you ask him, he starts humming a tune or rattling off half forgotten lyrics. He constantly launches into long-winded diatribes about how shows aren’t what they used to be before ultimately trailing off, never finishing the story.