10 Sexy, Hilarious, and Absurd Pieces of Metal Merch
The metal world has spawned a plethora of unusual items: Abbath snow globes, Cannibal Corpse bedding, Nordjevel hot sauce, Korpiklaani drinking horns, etc. When it comes to apparel, Cradle of Filth’s infamous “Jesus Is a C*nt” T-shirts and Marduk’s “F*ck Me Jesus” tops certainly make the right kind of statements. Interestingly, some supposedly high-fashion brands like Vetements and Dilara Findikoglu have attempted to produce clothing in honor of big names in the scene. However, their designs have mostly been unattractive. Thus, we denounce their lame efforts.
Today, we will be taking a look at some of the sexiest, funniest, and most outrageous pieces of metal merch ever made. Be forewarned: many of our titillating picks are quite dangerous and scandalous. Others are simply fun. Yet, we feel compelled to emphasize that there is also brilliance below. Our first three choices, for example, reflect our appreciation for a selection of the greatest bands of all time and their unique modes of expression. Without further ado, we present our main list!
Lifelover’s Sjukdom Box Set with Sharp Objects
Sjukdom (2011), Lifelover’s final album, is, of course, a pure masterpiece that I believe will be eternal. For its release, Prophecy Productions prepared a very special tin box set that featured a syringe, razor blade, barbed wire, and more. Lifelover’s fellow disbanded Swedes, the related powerhouses Abruptum and Vondur, have also included razor blades with their offerings.
We must mention that Lifelover’s co-founder Kim Carlsson remains active in various projects. His visual art, which he sometimes sells, is absolutely stunning. One of the coolest merch opportunities was when Carlsson gave fans the option to purchase their own copies of the test-press edition of Hypothermia’s EP Kaffe & Blod II (2017). These came with custom coffee- and blood-stained sleeves and more.
HIM’s Bondage Handcuffs
Anyone who follows the beautiful former HIM frontman, the Love Metal pioneer Ville Valo, knows that his father, Kari Valo, owns a sex shop, Aikuisten Lelukauppa, in their native Finland. Like his charming son, Kari Valo is known as an incredibly nice man! The next time you are in Helsinki, stop by Aikuisten Lelukauppa and pick up some HIM handcuffs, or order them online here. They come in so many tempting colors.
Lord of the Lost’s Condoms
Yes, the German Eurovision competitors Lord of the Lost sell condoms for the bargain price of a mere euro each. Lord of the Lost has been doing so for quite a long time by now. In the past, these generous souls have even offered free condoms with orders. The line on their current packaging, “Love the best, fuck the rest,” comes from their 2014 single “La Bomba.”
Rammstein’s Liebe Ist Für Alle Da Dildo Box Set
Rammstein is known for their wide selection of merch, which features blowtorches, fire torches, fire boxes, phallus-shaped soap, perfume, etc. For the release of Liebe ist für alle da (2009), Rammstein famously unleashed a special box set that contained six dildos — a model of each “member” (pun intended) of the band. The metal flight case also contained lube and handcuffs.
Along similar lines, we know that our readers will be offended if we fail to note that Mötley Crüe, for example, has peddled vibrators, and Gwar has sold dildos. Marilyn Manson’s webshop carries dildos depicting the face of the man himself. (Yes, MM produces absinthe as well.) In addition, Ghost recently reissued their dildo and butt plug set dubbed Phallos Mortuus, which likewise includes a divorce paper scroll and more.
Lindemann’s “Golden Shower” Wine
Lindemann’s former Doctor Dick webshop boasted an array of exceptionally bizarre items: “Tilldos,” a.k.a. mic vibrators; phallus necklaces; etc. Doctor Dick even offered mounted phalluses, some of which donned eyeglasses. However, we think that there was something extra special about the “Golden Shower” sparkling wine with gold leaf. This libation was named, of course, in honor of the successful single. It’s important to shower those you love in gold, and this wine made the ideal gift. However, real metallers also bought Doctor Dick’s special vodka to get truly wasted.
Kiss’ Air Guitar Strings
For the low price of $3.99, Kiss provided fans with the unique opportunity to purchase air guitar strings. Each one of these empty cellophane packets came with a totally free air guitar. The generosity of Kiss never ceases to amaze. Fortunately, this in-demand item was reissued this year.
Obviously, no one beats the Kiss team at working their way into die-hards’ pockets. The so-called “Kiss Kasket” was another one of their weirdest gimmicks. Tragically, Pantera’s Dimebag Darrell and Vinnie Paul were each laid to rest in two such caskets.
Vrangsinn’s “Legalize Vrangsinn” T-Shirts
The Carpathian Forest legend Daniel Vrangsinn is a remarkable man. Thus, Tsjuder’s fabled Nag voiced his respect for Vrangsinn when we spoke earlier this year. In addition to Vrangsinn’s work as a musician, he is also a writer, poet, visual artist, label owner, pillar of the community, and lover of cats. He has even served as a labor union representative.
Vrangsinn is furthermore a proud, unrepentant, and allegedly prize-winning cannabis grower and advocate. He, no joke, holds a diploma for his successful graduation in “Basic Cannabis Knowledge” from The Amsterdam Cannabis College. That is precisely why his “Legalize Vrangsinn” T-shirts, which were printed by Hate Couture, delighted us so much. Although you missed your chance to request this item, you can buy “Vrangogram” teddy bears, a selection of “Covid19 Superspreader” apparel, and other great items by Vrangsinn. Make sure to check out his stunning paintings, which he often sells.
“Make Amorphis Great Again” T-Shirts
As a black metal misanthrope, I refuse to discuss politics. All I have to say on the matter is this: “I hate all people equally!” When Amorphis first printed their “Make Amorphis Great Again” T-shirts many years ago, I know that their team had no agenda other than making people laugh a bit. The image of Donald Trump riding what may just be “The Golden Elk” of which they sing (or a reindeer) certainly is absurd and, in my opinion, quite funny.
Kirkebrann’s Church Burning Candles
Kirkebrann is the maker of the one and only “True Norwegian Black Candle.” In their words: “Make your black metal fantasies come true. Burn a stave church in the comfort of your own home.” No, this brand should not be confused with the most excellent group by the same name that Vrangsinn has assisted. Kirkebrann’s candle design is inspired by Bergen’s Fantoft Stave Church, which was destroyed (before being rebuilt) by a certain arsonist who included Zippo lighters with copies of his first EP. Other groups like Forgotten Tomb have carried on this fun tradition by gifting lighters with their releases.
Maxime Taccardi’s Paintings of Metal Icons
Yes, we could say that Maxime Taccardi’s brilliant output forces us to confront the power of the Absurd. All of his work is indeed absurdly awesome. Thus, his portraits of metal icons seem appropriate for this list. Taccardi has rendered the likenesses of musicians from powerhouses, such as Mayhem, Darkthrone, Taake, Dissection, Mütiilation, Satanic Warmaster, etc. Like Kim Carlsson and Vrangsinn, Taccardi often paints with his own blood. He cuts himself rather than using syringes to draw the necessary fluids due to the ritualistic meaning of this act.
Metalheads can’t avoid frequently bumping into Taccardi’s artwork online. Indeed, his visual art has earned countless admirers and is often reposted by musicians and fans. His pieces have adorned a long list of album covers by legendary bands like Shining and Tulus. He furthermore creates the covers for his own phenomenal records. Of course, a good portion of Taccardi’s paintings have nothing to do with black metal, though they do inspire his miraculous music with K.F.R and beyond.
In addition, we highly recommend Taccardi’s books of art, poetry, and more: The Book of Death, The Book of Satan, Beyond Khaos, The Book of Demons, The Book of Shadows, and The Book of Death.
