Undeath’s 10-Step Guide to Obtaining Pure Musical Grossness
Few contemporary bands are as blaringly gross as Undeath. The Rochester, New York-based death metal quintet make the kind of crushing, oozing music that sounds tailor-made for cleaning out your trenchfoot with someone else’s toenail. And with their highly-anticipated new album It’s Time…to Rise from the Grave coming out next month, the band will bring their message of sonic disgust to metal fans the world over.
But that kind of grossness doesn’t happen overnight. No, sir, it takes hard work, sacrifice, and the occasional snack of one’s own scabs. So in order to help us find our inner corpse farm, Undeath frontman Alex Jones (not to be confused with the bilious con-man podcaster) let us in on his 10-step guide to getting as gross as possible.
Here’s how you can make gorges rise all over the world, just like Undeath…
1. Set your intentions
“My girlfriend has started doing this recently when she first wakes up in the morning, and it’s generally pretty self-empowering and positive. ‘Today I will try my best to do good,’ ‘Today I will accomplish _____,’ etc. I think this is probably a pretty good practice to get into if you’re looking to achieve peak musical depravity — just turn it on its head a little bit. ‘Today I will not put any clothes on until 4PM,’ ‘Today I will expose myself to no sunlight (or any natural light for that matter) whatsoever,’ ‘Today I will get mind-meltingly high and stare at my popcorn ceiling for an hour and a half.’ It’s good to have goals.”
2. Discard the unnecessary
“Now that your mind is primed and ready for the death metal journey to come, it’s probably a good time to take inventory of what you have on hand and get rid of anything that might be holding you back. Shakespeare said that brevity is the soul of wit — Undeath says that not bathing is the soul of making good death metal. Do you really need that $14 bottle of jojoba oil? Let’s not kid ourselves here. Simplify your life. Whittle it down to its bare, unsanitized essence. Know yourself before all things. Shower only when the neighbors start complaining.”
3. Do your research
“I believe it was famous Twitter user Stephen King who once said, ‘Good writers read.’ Well, certainly the same principle applies to the realm of death metal, right? How can you hope to accomplish your goal of death metal supremacy if you aren’t properly informed? Do you think Picasso just picked up a brush one day and started painting fluorescent-blue slug people? No! He had to master his craft first! And consume herculean amounts of opium! Pull your thumb out of your ass and start thwacking it against your phone screen until you’ve somehow opened up YouTube and typed ‘CARCASS FULL DISCOGRAPHY’ into the search bar. Don’t stand up until it’s over.”
4. Find some compatriots
“Look, I know socializing as a person who really enjoys death metal can sometimes be a tall order. Sometimes you show a stranger at the bar a video of Gutalax playing at OEF, and the next thing you know you’re staring down the barrel of six weeks of government-mandated counseling. But you’re going to need some like-minded goons in your life if you want to get this whole death metal band thing off the ground. Do whatever you got to do to make it happen. Think about all the tools you have at your disposal to find the right people with: Instagram, Twitter, various off-track betting locations — the world is your oyster.”
5. Make yourself useful
“This probably should have been step one or two, to be perfectly honest. Can you play drums? No? How about guitar? Still no, huh? Bass? Really, not at all? Okay. Well, even if your musical skillset is pretty bleak looking, here’s the good news — if you can walk and breathe at the same time without passing out or instantly shitting yourself, congratulations! You’ve got exactly what it takes to be a death metal vocalist! Honestly, you probably don’t even need to stand up! Just make sure you lift your mouth from the High Life bottle every now and then to make some fart sounds. You’ll be flying in no time.”
6. Set your intentions, Pt. 2
“Now that you (presumably) have a band assembled, it’s time…(new Undeath album out everywhere on 4/22) to reassess step one! Sure, you want to play some death metal, but what kind of death metal, exactly? Fast, riffy, hook-driven stuff like Cannibal or Morbid Angel? Cruder, ruder, uh, ‘tuder stuff like Carcass or Autopsy? Balls-to-the-wall technical-powerhouse stuff like Cryptopsy or Nile? Something else entirely? This is where you really need to dig deep and trust yourself. We’ve been working toward this! What do you think we stopped bathing for? Why do you think I made you throw out all those Father John Misty CDs? We’re gonna make some fuckin’ death metal, baby! Now get to it!”
7. Write some hits
“One time, I was baked out of my skull and I was watching an interview with America’s greatest living comedian, Carlos Mencia, where he said that writing jokes was like doing math. Or maybe it was that writing jokes was like science? Or maybe it was none of those things? The point is that writing a great death metal song can be a lot easier than you think it’s gonna be. Do you think Alex Webster had to retreat to some fog-cloaked Nepalese temple to write ‘Evisceration Plague?’ Fuck no! It’s all about just getting behind your instrument and letting it rip. Whatever you got to do to get the juices flowing — consuming 400mg of caffeine, ripping a dozen positively milky bong hits, inhaling 30 beers at once — get it done.”
8. Book some shows
“Whenever you’ve got a solid grip of songs written and practiced to perfection, you’re going to want to make sure they’re properly gig-tested before taking them to the studio. Think about it this way: before you spend hundreds of dollars immortalizing your new bangers ‘Boiled in Putrefied Breast Milk (The Breast Milk Suite Pt. 1)’ and ‘Peepee Eucharist,’ it’s probably wise to make sure all the death metal maniacs out there are feeling what you’re putting down. I’m sure there’s a 12-band symphonic beatdown showcase in your town that you guys can open 10 minutes before doors.”
9. Break the news
“If you have loved ones in your life, they’ve probably been wondering what’s been going on this entire time. Why have you stopped going to work? Why did you spend your entire last paycheck on imported Viscera Infest bootlegs? Why hasn’t anyone seen you drink anything other than stale light beer in over four months? It’s time they knew the truth: you’re a death metal lifer now. There’s no turning back. Now let’s go order some fucking chicken fingers and fall asleep with our jeans on.”
10. You’re done!
“Whatever you do next is entirely up to you. Take your band on the road and play to captive audiences of drunk dudes named Trevor and Keith nationwide. Or don’t tour at all and become death metal’s answer to the Beatles, gracing your adoring listening public with new advances in the world of songs that have ‘shit’ or ‘vomit’ in the title. Like Ozzy once said, ‘It’s not how you play the game, it’s if you win or lose/You can choose/Don’t confuse/Win or lose/It’s up to you.’ Actually, those lyrics don’t make a ton of sense. In fact, ignore this entire article and just go to trade school instead. Cheers!”
Undeath’s It’s Time… To Rise From The Grave comes out via Prosthetic Records on April 22nd and is available for preorder. Get your tickets for Undeath’s upcoming dates with Dying Fetus here:
4/29 Baltimore, MD – Baltimore Soundstage [tickets]
4/30 Richmond, VA – The Canal Club [tickets]
5/1 Jacksonville, NC – Hooligans Music Hall [tickets]
5/3 Charlotte, NC – The Underground [tickets]
5/4 Atlanta, GA – The Masquerade [tickets]
5/5 Jacksonville, FL – Underbelly [tickets]
5/6 St Petersburg, FL – Jannus Live [tickets]
5/7 Ft. Lauderdale, FL – Revolution Live [tickets]
5/9 Houston, TX – Warehouse Live [tickets]
5/10 Dallas, TX – Amplified Live [tickets]
5/11 Austin, TX – Come and Take It Live [tickets]
5/13 Phoenix, AZ – The Nile Theater [tickets]
5/14 Los Angeles, CA – Regent Theater [tickets]
5/15 Santa Ana, CA – The Observatory [tickets]
5/16 San Diego, CA – House of Blues [tickets]
5/17 Berkeley, CA – The UC Theatre [tickets]
5/18 Roseville, CA – Goldfield Trading Post [tickets]
5/19 Portland, OR – Bossanova Ballroom [tickets]
5/20 Vancouver, BC – Modified Ghost Festival [tickets]
5/21 Seattle, WA – El Corazon [tickets]
5/23 Salt Lake City, UT – Metro Music Hall [tickets]
5/24 Denver, CO – Summit Music Hall [tickets]
5/25 Lawrence, KS – Granada Theater [tickets]
5/26 Minneapolis, MN – The Lyric at Skyway Theater [tickets]
5/27 Sauget, IL – Pops [tickets]
5/28 Chicago, IL – Concord Music Hall [tickets]
5/29 Pontiac, MI – The Crofoot Ballroom [tickets]
5/31 Toronto, ON – The Opera House [tickets]
06/1 Quebec City, QC – Imperial Bell [tickets]
06/2 Montreal, QC – Corona Theatre [tickets]
06/3 New York, NY – Gramercy Theatre [tickets]
06/4 Philadelphia, PA – Theatre of The Living Arts [tickets]
06/5 Worcester, MA – The Palladium [tickets]
