Zakk Wylde Wants to Sell Y’all Some High-End Dildos

As the old saying goes, it’s not a party until someone breaks out a dildo. Any bro worth his sauce knows that a rager isn’t complete until you got some liquored-up compadre running through a crowded room, whipping a big black rubber wang over his head like he was Pervert Genghis Khan. Problem is, your average dildo can’t last a hard night with the boys, and falls the pieces under the pressure. But now, there’s a new prospective player in the dildo game, and it’s a dude whose sex toys will no doubt be as solid as his riffs: Zakk Wylde! Getcher pull!

That’s right, in a new interview with Classic Rock, Zakk revealed his latest merch plans, and as you probably guessed, they involve your holes. Here’s how the chat went:

You’ve got your own range of coffee. You’ve done hot sauces. What’s the ultimate supermarket product you’d slap your name on? 

It would have to be dildos. That’s next on the list, obviously. 

Wow. What kind of supermarkets do you shop in? 

Hey, it’ll be a first. It’ll be in the ‘Boutique’ section – the ‘Very Boutique’ section. 

Aw yeah, baby. That’s why I got into metal: the boutiquey dildos! Last band who tried to play this game was Rammstein, but I ain’t about no Euro-peen up in my tenderness. I want that American metal dildo, and I want it patriotically-inserted.

I can only hope Zakk names them after Black Label Society songs, because that shit would get turgid as a mawfucker. Maybe the World Of Trouble? The Blessed Hellride? The Doomsday Jesus (illegal in Poland)? The vibrating In This River, do a little Dimebag tribute? I’m game, son! I’m sopping!

If Zakk’s dildos aren’t your thing, you can check out his podcast with the silly name. Until then, gird your loins