The Top 8 Nu Metal Hairstyles Ranked From Least to Most Embarrassing
Nu metal is back! The kids who grew up with this shit are now coming to the end of their thirties, realizing that adult life is a staggering disappointment and things are about as good as they’re ever gonna get. Meanwhile, a new generation of musicians are entering their twenties, figuring out that those are also kinda disappointing, and idealizing shit from before they were born. And finally, the musicians themselves are now entering their fifties and starting to think about those malnourished 401(k)s.
Consequently, we are now experiencing three trends: i) Early-middle-age fans are looking back fondly on the halcyon days “Break Stuff,” “Last Resort,” and “Push It;” ii) nu metal bands like Mudvayne and Static-X are reuniting, and iii) there’s been an influx of nu-nu metal bands like Tetrarch, Dropout Kings, and Infected Rain.
(By the way, this is a perpetual cycle. Ten years ago we had rethrash; ten years from now we’ll have nostalgiacore. Such is the way of the world.)
The return of nu metal means the return of nu metal fashion… and nu metal hairstyles. We know all the poor choices nu metal made sonically… but what about the poor choices nu metal made visually?
Here are the top eight nu metal hairstyles, ranked by the amount of money you’d have to pay me to walk around looking like that for a year (no hats allowed!).
Spikes (Mild) – $12,000
As seen on: Wes Borland, Coby Dick
I mean, this is basically regular ’90s dude hair. All it really requires is a commitment to using a disgustingly excessive amount of hair gel. I mean, people still actively look like this in certain parts of the country (see: the idiot from Trapt). So, sure, I’d put up with this for a grand a month.
Frosted – $25,000
As seen on: Sully Erna, Chester Bennington
Again, this was an extremely ’90s trend that was favored by boy bands and movie stars as frequently as it was nu metallers. Granted, I’m not as handsome as Brad Pitt. Still, I think I’d have to undergo one round of my friends being really brutal on me before they moved on to someone else’s embarrassing mistake.
Dreads – $100,000
As seen on: Sonny Sandoval, Edsel Dope
I’m clearly offering a real bargain here. The truth is, Rob Zombie, Izzy Stradlin and Brian Fair have done a lot to raise my opinion of this particular aesthetic.
Spikes (Medium) – $150,000
As seen on: Spider One, Mark Chavez
Why was this the preferred ‘do of more famous singers’ younger siblings? I’ll leave it to the shrinks to figure that one out. In any case, this just looks like someone with regular spikes needs a haircut. Easy enough.
Braids – $250,000
As seen on: Brian “Head” Welch, Dez Fafara
I don’t find these any more or less humiliating than dreads, but it seems like a real pain in the ass to maintain.
Spikes (Severe) – $500,000
As seen on: Wayne Static, Half of Mudvayne
It just smacks of so much desperation, like “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!! I WOULD BE ACTIVELY DIFFICULT TO SIT BEHIND AT THE MOVIES!!!”
The Mini-Mohawk – $1,000,000
As seen on: Shifty Shellshock, Ivan Moody
It’s like, you wanted a mohawk, but you lack fortitude? I think it makes you look like the Pinhead from a freak show, or, worse, a fan of ska music.
The Complete Loss of Razor Control – $10,000,000
As seen on: Daisy Berkowitz, Robin Finck, Keith Flint
I know these three are really nu metal adjacent and not nu metal themselves, but… c’mon. Their hair cuts certainly feel appropriate for nu metal. Regardless, I’m not sure if this is the highest level of follicular creativity or the most adolescent cry for attention, but I do know this: DO NOT WANT.
