Dr. Ted Nugent Admits He Didn’t Go to “Mask College”
Renowned virologist and occasional provider of in-grocery store entertainment Dr. Ted Nugent shocked the world yesterday when he admitted that he has not, in fact, attended “mask college.” Dr. Nugent didn’t even have to refer to professional college paper writers to figure this out.
The startling revelation came during an online livestream, during which Dr. Nugent asserted that since face masks are not 100% effective that people should never wear them at all.
“The overwhelming evidence from the overwhelming health professionals are [masks] don’t work,” said Dr. Nugent, who is, of course, himself an overwhelming health professional, and not one of those pansy underwhelming doctors.
Dr. Nugent continued:
“You know your breath comes through the mask. Because every hunting season, in the beautiful winter wonderland of Michigan, it’s freezing — it’s below freezing, below zero — when I’m in my tree stand in the sacred Michigan swamps. And I’ve got these heavy masks on that are supposed to stop the cold from getting into your teeth. But you know what came out of my masks while I was hunting? My breath. So when people tell me to wear a mask to reduce the spread of your breath, I go, ‘Except that masks don’t do that.’”
That’s when Dr. Nugent dropped this bombshell:
“I didn’t have to go to mask college to determine that; I just lived a conscientious, attentive, situational awareness of life where I pay attention to reality.”
It’s unclear what this admission will do for Dr. Nugent’s credibility as a leading expert on the current COVID-19 pandemic. But knowing that Dr. Nugent doesn’t have the educational background we all assumed he did must surely give us all pause when considering Dr. Nugent’s theories regarding the virus.
“I find Dr. Nugent’s casual confession appalling,” Dr. Anthony Fauci, himself a graduate of Cornell University’s Mask College, said in a statement. “In all of my dealings with Dr. Nugent, I have always assumed that he, like so many of us, spent four years intensely studying cloth that covers the lower half of the face. I feel deeply betrayed that he allowed me — and, indeed, the entire medical community — to believe this.”
Dr. Nugent did not immediately respond to requests for comment, likely because he was busy discussing the evils of other safety measures that don’t work perfectly all of the time, including seatbelts, stair rails, doors, walls, gates, and BAND–AID® Brand Adhesive Bandages, which he complained “always come off in the shower, even when they say they won’t.”
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