Ted Nugent Solved Racism
People of color were actually pretty tolerant of the United States’ intolerance until the United States elected a white supremacist to be its president. That broke the social contract. Suddenly someone was like “Hey maybe the least we can do is ask the cops to stop innocently killing Black people?” and half the country was like “Great idea!” and the other half of the country was like “THAT IMPINGES UPON OUR GOD-GIVEN FREEDOMS!” and the whole thing just turned into a huge mess.
So it is with no small amount of joy that I report we’ve apparently all had our underwear in a knot over nothing: Ted Nugent says “there is no systemic racism” in America, because “we fixed that” at some point.
And while some question the validity of an opinion about race expressed by a 72-year-old midwestern white multimillionaire who has argued in favor of the South winning the civil war, who has argued in favor of South African apartheid, and who has used the n-word more freely than most of us use the letter N, Nugent’s arguments, as proffered during a recent online livestream, are 110% sound.
Let’s review them one by one, shall we?
TED’S ARGUMENT
“White supremacists haven’t burned down Seattle or Portland. They didn’t burn down Kenosha. They didn’t burn down Minneapolis.”
FACT
White supremacists have not burned down Seattle, Portland, Kenosha, or Minneapolis.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“Those were so-called Black Lives Matter terrorists and Antifa and Democrat supporters who hate America, hate God, hate family, hate freedom, hate the Constitution, hate the Bill Of Rights, hate hard-working Americans. They are the terrorists.”
FACT
As a supporter of Black Lives Matter I can assure you that I do indeed think all borders should be abolished, families should be dissolved, and midday siestas ought to be mandatory.
I don’t hate God, though, because’s it’s silly to hate a fictional character from an old book.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“Black Lives Matter, Antifa — those are the terrorists. They burn down cities and destroy things.”
FACT
Last summer’s Black Lives Matter protests, which peacefully objected to the murder of sentient, irreplaceable human beings, were utilized by an infinitesimal amount of people as an excuse to loot and vandalize non-sentient, largely replaceable property, including, presumably, any plans they had to burn down cities.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“There are no white supremists [sic] doing that.”
FACT
“White supremists” do not exist, and therefore have not burned down any cities or destroyed anything.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“There might be a couple of dirtbag white supremists out there, but they’re virtually inconsequential. It’s bullshit.”
FACT
Okay okay okay, so there might some less-educated people who do identify themselves as “white supremists.” But like good Ted Nugent songs, they are rare and do little to impact our culture.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“So, be careful of the propaganda ministry and the censorship of Big Tech, who literally censors the president of the United States. Not this goofball in the White House now, but Donald Trump.”
FACT
Donald Trump has been president of the United States.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“And they suppress Shemane [Nugent, Ted’s wife] and I…”
FACT
While Ted Nugent has been allowed to remain active on small mom and pop platforms like Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter, more popular social media providers such as Friendster and Vero currently have no Nugent-related content available.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“…because we stand up for God, family, country, Constitution, Bill of Rights, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, the Declaration of Independence, life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, and law and order.”
FACT
Ted and Shemane Nugent are fans of the show Law & Order and its various spin-offs.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“Tell your mayor, your senator, your congressman or your governor that your family demands law and order.”
FACT
Your mayor, your senator, and your congressperson can likely all direct you to a local cable provider that will allow you to watch Law & Order and its various spin-offs.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“And if anybody says ‘defund the police,’ they are on the side of rapists. You know who wants to defund the police? Rapists. You know who wants to defund the police? Carjackers. You know who wants to defund the police? Evil.”
FACT
Rape and automobile theft are the two worst crimes one can commit.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“So when someone even hints that they want to compromise the capabilities of law enforcement, you’re looking at the devil. “
FACT
The devil’s messaging is sometimes oblique.
TED’S ARGUMENT
“‘Cause the devil rapes, murders, carjacks, child-molests and assaults people.”
FACT
Ted doesn’t rape or molest children. He gets the parents to sign a legal agreement allowing him to make love to their kids.
TED’s ARGUMENT
“And that’s what happens when you defund the police. That’s insanity. That’s cultural and spiritual suicide. You know it, I know it, even the lying punks on TV know it. But they’re gonna lie anyhow.”
FACT
There are people who will use a substantial platform to tell you insane lies.
So, see? Ted’s argument holds water! Glad we can all stop fretting about non-existent racism now and concentrate on more important things, like who gets to pee in which bathroom and what we’re gonna do when Biden cancels the Fourth of July and invades our homes to take our hot dogs away.
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