Dave Mustaine: “Lars Ulrich Is Afraid to Play with Megadeth.”

I finally figured it out, you guys, and frankly, I’m embarrassed that it took me so long.

Dave Mustaine is a little boy whose parents took him to the carnival one night where he found a mechanical fortune telling machine and wished to be big and ever since he’s been stuck in a grown man’s body.

How else to explain his grade-school-level insults?

To wit: a clever journalist for the Greek pornographic bodybuilding outlet Rock Hard recently asked Mustaine about more Big Four shows (because no one EVER asks about that), and Mustaine’s reply was, “I believe Lars [Ulrich] is afraid to play with Megadeth.”

Yeah. Lars is afraid to play with Megadeth. That tracks. Because people might watch Mustaine caterwaul off-key with his cover band for forty minutes, then watch Metallica play for two-and-half hours, and then — after Metallica’s end-of-show fireworks are done, I mean — they’ll realize Megadeth was the better band all along and 14 million copies of Countdown to Extinction will sell overnight to close the gap with The Black Album and James Hetfield will have to go manage a Denny’s and ICE will deport Lars back to Denmark and realize they never ever should have fired the deity that we know as Dave Mustaine. Who wouldn’t buy that?

Elsewhere in the interview, Mustaine is asked about the dispute which is delaying the reissue of No Life ’til Leather, whereupon Dave reiterated the fight is over money, and then declared, not once but twice, that he ain’t afraid of no Lars:

“With ‘Phantom Lord,’ I wrote all the music and James Hetfield all the lyrics. 50/50. If James wants to give his share to Lars because he fears him, that’s him. I’m not afraid of Lars Ulirch and I will not give him my share. The same with ‘Metal Militia.’ I wrote every note of the song, and James wrote all the lyrics. If James wants to give his share to Lars because he fears him, he’s OK. I’m not afraid of him.”

So, basically, Dave Mustaine is almost certainly terrified of Lars Ulrich. I can’t think of any other reason for him to be so insistent about something no one even implied was the case. Hetfield doesn’t scream “I’M NOT AFRAID OF LARS!” every time he enters a room. Just saying.

If anyone can help Dave find the Zoltar machine so he can go back to being a child, please contact management ASAP.

You can read the whole interview here.