51 Questions About Alien: Covenant

Alien: Covenant was set to be one of 2017’s most metal movies; instead, it’s every bit the heap of flaming garbage that its predecessor, Prometheus, was. You may disagree with me, but you’re wrong.

Seriously: if you think this was a good movie, please take a moment to explain the answers to any and all of the below questions. Spoilers abound, obviously.

1) What the fuck is the story about?

2) So literally the only relevant event in Prometheus was the discovery of the black goo?

3) What the fuck is the story about?

4) Was there ANY pertinent information in the opening scene with Guy Pearce? Why did that scene exist?

5) What the fuck is the story about?

6) What does this whole half-baked “creation” theme have to do with the original Alien?

7) What the fuck is the story about?

8) What is David’s motivation?

9) What the fuck is the story about?

10) Why did David kill the Engineers?

11) What the fuck is the story about?

12) Why did David kill Shaw?

13) What the fuck is the story about?

14) We know from Prometheus that the Engineers have traveled throughout space, and we know that there are more of them out there besides the ones David killed, because at the end of this movie, we’re still not on LV 426 (the planet from the original Alien where we first saw the Engineers). So in the ten years since David’s arrival on their home planet and mass genocide of their people, not a single Engineer has come back or tried to call a relative or whatever? None of them are aware of what David has done?

15) What the fuck is the story about?

16) Why make Billy Crudup’s character “a man of faith” if that aspect of his character never plays an important role in the story?

17) What the fuck is the story about?

18) Where the crap was the neomorph gestating that it burst out of that dude’s back? Where was the other one gestating that it came out of the other guy’s throat?

19) What the fuck is the story about?

20) So is Michael Fassbender now exclusively making terrible movies for Fox? Does the studio have a tape of a Russian hooker peeing on him or something?

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21) What the fuck is the story about?

22) Every crew member was half of a couple, right? So who was with the guy killed by the backburster? Who was with the woman killed by the fountain? Who was with the dude killed after getting the facehugger off of Demián Bichir? No one seemed particularly saddened/concerned by their deaths.

23) What the fuck is the story about?

24) Why did Crudup blindly follow David into a dark cave and stick his face right over an egg moments after learning that David is evil?

25) What the fuck is the story about?

26) So the facehugger laid an alien in Demián Bichir in three seconds? Why the fuck does it normally hang on for so much longer than?

27) What the fuck is the story about?

28) In the original Alien, we see the facehugger’s acidic blood eat through multiple levels of a spaceship. In Aliens, we see the a guy get killed by having the xenomorph’s acidic blood splash him in the face. Here, it chews away at Demián Bichir’s cheek and then… stops? Huh?

29) What the fuck is the story about?

30) So the xenomorphs are able to gestate and grow to full size in three-five minutes now?

31) What the fuck is the story about?

32) Are there any “rules” to the goo, or does it just do whatever the story calls for at that moment? Because we’ve seen it 1) melt the Engineers upon contact, 2) turn people (and worms) into monsters, and 3) incubate monsters inside of people. There is no apparent logic to any of it.

33) What the fuck is the story about?

34) So the xenomorphs don’t attack David because he’s inorganic? Why did they attack Bishop in Aliens?

35) What the fuck is the story about?

36) Did Ridley Scott seriously think anyone didn’t see the David/Walter switch coming?

37) What the fuck is the story about?

38) Did Walter serve any purpose in the story other than to enable the stupid David twist?

39) What the fuck is the story about?

40) We see that Walter has a Wolverine-esque ability to heal himself. So how come no one thought it was weird when “Walter” had cuts on his face in the third act?

41) What the fuck is the story about?

42) Katherine Waterston stabbed David in the chin with a nail, but then he has no mark on the bottom of his chin when he becomes “Walter.” So what happened?

43) What the fuck is the story about?

44) Why did David help them kill the alien on board the ship at the end?

45) What the fuck is the story about?

46) Given that we’ve seen Ellen Ripley put herself in cryosleep twice (once in Alien, once in Aliens), we can assume you don’t need a second person to make the pod function. So how is it that there’s no button inside the pod allowing the would-be cryosleeper to halt the process and open the pod? In other words, would Waterston’s character really be fucked if she realized that “Walter” was actually David right before she fell asleep?

47) What the fuck is the story about?

48) Why would David send a message back home saying thirteen crew members were dead given that he had to lie about the circumstances under which they died? Why not just leave their deaths out of his report altogether?

49) What the fuck is the story about?

50) Why did David need to swallow the face hugger embryos? Was there some kind of security station he had to walk through to board the ship?

51) What… in the sweet mother of fuck… IS THE STORY ABOUT?