Jacoby Shaddix/Coby Dick/Whatever His Name Is Doing Lots of Rapping on New Papa Roach Record

Guys, if you had told me in 2000 that we’d still be talking about Papa fucking Roach in seventeen years, I’d have been like, “Oh yeah, sure, and Donald Trump will be President, right?”

Well. Here we are.

Sigh.

So. If you’re one of the three people who a) did believe this band would have a long and prosperous career and b) is upset that the band cut way, way back on rapping in their music, than this new album intel from Papa Roach lead roach Jacoby Coby Dick Shaddix, revealed during a recent interview with North Carolina’s Rock 105.5 (via The PRP), will make you happy:

“I’m rapping on more than half the record.”

Although any thinking person’s reaction to this news will most likely be something to the effect of “Jesus Harold Christ, seriously?”, I suspect this is actually a brilliant move on Dick Shaddix’s part. 90s nostalgia, in case you haven’t noticed, is in full swing. Adding horrible rapping back into their music will probably ensure that every single thirty-something whose best years were in high school will buy this album. After that it’s just a matter of time ’til bands started adding DJs back into their line-ups.

If that terrifies you, good. It ought to. The government should shut this shit down. Syrian refugees have never hurt an American, but I contemplate offing myself every single time I think about “Last Resort.” Action must be taken!!!