Here are Some Fun “Alternative Facts” About Metal

Donald Trump’s campaign manager and White House counselor, Kellyanne Conway, did the world another massive favor this weekend when she introduced us all to the term “alternative facts.” Up until this point in human history, a “fact” was not something that ever had an alternative; by definition, a fact was a single, indisputable truth.

So now that facts are just, like, so 2016, we decided to present to you, our beloved readers, some “alternative facts” about the music we all love. Remember: these are all TOTALLY facts, but you can dispute them because the word “fact” no longer has meaning. Huzzah!

1. Phil Labonte can sing.
2. Rings of Saturn have never abused technology to make themselves sound better.
3. Chinese Democracy was a tremendous hit.
4. The reaction to Lulu was overwhelmingly positive.
5. Tom Araya actually prefers it when you call him “Tim.”
6. This album cover isn’t crap, it’s “outsider art” and you just don’t get it.
7. Ivan Moody is practically straight edge now.
8. Blake Judd didn’t fail to deliver any merch, he’s just been stuck on line at the post office for three years.
9. Not only was Phil Anselmo talking about wine when he shouted “White power!” and gave the Nazi salute at Dimebash, but he was simply stating his chocolate preference when he advocated “white pride” during a 1995 show.
10. Each member of Slipknot is 100% necessary. They simply would not sound the same with only one dude hitting a keg with a baseball bat.
11. Megadeth hasn’t really been through more line-up changes than most bands.
12. When you consider the running times of their records, The Faceless are downright prolific.
13. Limp Bizkit was meant to be satire, of COURSE those dudes were always “in on the joke.”
14. At the Gates’ influence on metalcore has been way overstated.
15. In the years since its release, Van Halen III has come to be regarded as a classic.
16. Tim “Ripper” Owens was far more than just Rob Halford’s Mini-Me.
17. If the Big Four was the Big Five, the fifth band would inarguably be Anvil.
18. Joey Belladonna doesn’t have a fake tan, he suffers from carotenosis.
    
19. Danzig is a total cupcake.
20. Slow news day? Never heard of it.